An Intervention
by Andrew Joshua Talon
Summary: Anko and Naruto are up to something. And the rest of the Konoha 12 are out to find out what it is. No matter the cost!
1. Chapter 1

_**Naruto: An Intervention**_

_**Andrew J. Talon**_

_**DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. Naruto is the property of Shueisha, Viz Media and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.**_

* * *

In that interminable time between the end of the Chuunin Exams and Sasuke leaving for Orochimaru, Team Seven had returned to a sort of normalcy. Running D-Ranked missions for the purposes of making extra money and helping to repair the village. Naruto, thanks to his Shadow Clone jutsu, had been really raking in the dough allowing Sasuke and Sakura time to themselves.

Something the latter was naturally far happier about than the former.

However, in an effort to escape the affections of the smitten fangirl, Sasuke had taken to observing Naruto closely. It was only natural-The orange clad buffoon had triumphed where the blue clad avenger had failed. When pressed about it, Naruto had just shot Sasuke a disbelieving look and laughed it off. So Sasuke observed Naruto, hoping he would give himself away.

At the moment, they were in their downtime after another completed mission. Naruto sat on the grass on the far side of the bridge that was their meeting place. Sasuke leaned against the bridge proper, eyes firmly on Naruto.

"Avenger's log, supplemental. Target is looking wistfully up at the sky while the wind blows his hair in an almost artistic way. Still no signs of his incredible hidden power. Will continue observations until change, or dinner," Sasuke spoke.

"Er... Sasuke-kun, who are you talking to?" Sakura asked. Sasuke's eyes widened and he slowly looked over at Sakura.

"... Hn," Sasuke decisively said. Sakura blinked a few times, then shrugged.

"Hey, if you're talking to yourself, that's fine! I do it frequently, actually! I mean, I haven't been diagnosed with anything... Not that I've worried I'm crazy, because ha, who worries about that in this business?" She laughed a bit awkwardly. Sasuke blinked at her, before returning to his vigil on Naruto. Sakura sighed.

Maybe I should go on that medication like mom and dad want...

**_What, and lose me? Come on girl, I'm your advantage!_ **Inner Sakura loudly proclaimed. **_Who let you break out of Ino's mind jutsu, anyway?_**

_Yeah, how did that happen again?_ Sakura asked.

**_I dunno. I guess you're crazy,_** Inner Sakura said. Sakura rolled her eyes. **_Still, onto more important things... Why is Sasuke checking out Naruto?_**

_I guess Naruto is being kind of weird lately,_ Sakura admitted, following Sasuke's gaze to the usually hyperactive blonde. _And Sasuke really is interested in him..._

**_Why couldn't he be interested in Neji?_** Whined Inner Sakura. **_That would be so hot...!_**

_This is serious!_ Sakura told her inner.

**_So am I!_**

_We're focused on Naruto right now!_

**_Sasuke and Naruto would be pretty nice, actually... If Naruto took off his headband, it'd be even-_**

_No no no!_ Sakura argued back. _I mean, why is he acting so weird?_

**_Oh. I dunno. It does make him look more attractive-_**

Sakura sighed. Inner was on one of her tangents again. She supposed she could just go and ask Naruto why he was acting so weird.

**_And if Sasuke's macking on him! So not fair! Why can't Sasuke be into girls! Or at least let us watch-!_**

"Hey squirt!" Shouted a familiar voice. Naruto immediately perked up, as Sasuke and Sakura blinked and watched as Anko Mitarashi ran up. Naruto shot to his feet and grinned.

"Nee-chan!"

"Hey! Let's go get some ramen, eh?" Anko asked. Naruto nodded happily.

"Yeah! Ramen's awesome!" He grabbed Anko's hand and dragged her off. The older woman laughed.

"Hey! No need to be so pushy!"

"Oh, right, sorry!" Naruto said.

The two ran off. Sasuke and Sakura blinked in unison.

"Wasn't that... The crazy examiner lady?" Sakura asked. Sasuke slowly nodded.

"Yeah..."

Sakura shook her head and took off a few steps. She looked over her shoulder.

"Come on Sasuke!"

Sasuke sighed. Well, he was curious... So with that in mind, he followed the pink haired girl to find out what was going on with the blonde idiot enigma.

He needed to put something in his Avenger's log besides purple prose...

* * *

Ichiraku Ramen: Home of the Bacon Bowl. Ayame Ichiraku was the only cook on duty at the time, and upon hearing the familiar tread and shuffling of Naruto's sandals and track suit she looked up with a smile.

"Hello Naruto!" She said with her usual bright smile at her favorite customer. The bright beam dampened slightly as she saw his companion. "Mitarashi-san."

"Hey there, hon," Anko said with a wink. "I see you're not limping anymore."

"Eh? What's she talking about, Ayame-nee-chan?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing!" Ayame said frantically, waving her hands with a blush. "What can I get you two?" She shot Anko a deadly look, which the infamous kunoichi smirked back at.

"Fufufu...I'll have whatever Naru-chan's having," she said with a purr to her voice as they sat down at the bar.

"'Naru-chan?'" Sakura questioned, watching this scene from a nearby rooftop. Sasuke sat next to her, frowning as well.

"One of everything! For me!"

"The same," Anko said with a wry smile.

"Coming right up..." Ayame said as she continued giving Anko a deadly expression. Naruto settled into eating his ramen happily the moment the bowls were served, ignorant of Ayame and Anko's tension.

_What's that all about...?_ Sakura thought. It was almost like... _They're _fighting_ over Naruto?_

_Lucky bastard_, Sasuke thought. Hey, he liked women, not fangirls, and Naruto having not one but two hot older ladies having sexy tension around him? And him not even reacting? It was really just not fair...

Anko ate a few bowls of ramen, before she sighed and leaned back. She smiled over at Naruto, who was of course still going.

"Hmph, you're lucky I'm paying for this. You can have my other bowls, brat," Anko said.

"Really?" Naruto asked, starry eyed.

"What the... Why is she doing that...?" Sakura asked with a frown.

**_She's treating him like her puppy,_** Inner Sakura commented, an association that was strengthened when Anko ruffled Naruto's hair affectionately. Sasuke's own scowl grew.

"Thanks Anko-nee-chan! You're the greatest!" Naruto said cheerfully, as he chowed down like a ramen eating machine.

"What I want to know is ...Why Naruto?" Sasuke asked with a frown.

"Well... They are very alike," Sakura commented. "I mean, they're both loud, annoying, loners, socially awkward..."

Sasuke imagined a Sexy Jutsu version of Naruto in Anko's usual outfit... And cursed fate that such a hottie had to be the cheap jutsu of an idiotic male.

"But _paying_ for ramen...?" Sakura asked. "She must like him a lot..."

"So, do you want to sleep over at my house tonight?" Anko asked. Ayame dropped a ramen ladle, as Sakura and Sasuke both gaped in disbelief. Naruto grinned back at Anko with a hopeful gleam in his eyes.

_"I can?"_ Naruto asked, almost squealing.

"Sure, I've been kind of lonely without you around..." Anko said, again a purr in her voice. Ayame's hands rose to her cheeks, which were turning bright red.

"Ahem... Naruto?" Ayame managed. Naruto turned back to his other big sister figure and grinned.

"Oh it's great, Ayame-nee-chan! Anko-nee-chan is so nice, and we do stuff all night...!" Naruto said enthusiastically.

"Sl-Sleepover?" Sakura gasped, eyes swirling. Inner Sakura provided a few mental images of what those sleepovers might entail, but Sakura squashed them.

"No way," Sasuke cursed.

"We can even have some... _Fun_," Anko said as she wagged her eyebrows.

"Fun...?" Sakura choked. The mental images came loud and clear, Inner Sakura cackling.

"...I'm _not_ seeing this," Sasuke muttered.

"What? Jealous, Aya-chan?" Anko asked, a teasing lilt to her voice. Ayame, flustered, poked her fingers together.

"I uh... N-No! But um... Out of curiosity, what does she have you do Naruto?

At this, Naruto became withdrawn. He averted his eyes.

"Er... Well.. Um... Lots of things..."

Anko wrapped an arm around Naruto's shoulders and grinned.

"Too many things to talk about. Why, sometimes we're up until the sun comes up!"

"Oh my God..." Sakura gasped, as Sasuke sputtered next to her.

"Yeah! Lots of awesome stuff!" Naruto said cheerfully.

"Remember last time? Man, I thought I wouldn't be able to see straight for days," Anko laughed, patting Naruto on the shoulder. Naruto laughed.

"Oh yeah! That was great! I was really sore afterwards though..."

"Well, the harder stuff will always leave you feeling sore. But hey, you make up for it with endurance," Anko purred. Naruto laughed again, as Ayame looked about ready to faint. Sakura wasn't much better.

"But... But... You... I...?" Ayame tried. She looked between them and her gaze settled on Naruto. "But you're... Naruto! I-I think you're a little... Young for that kind of stuff!"

"I am?" Naruto asked, confused.

"Nah! He's much better at it than you'd think! Maybe you should join us next time, mm Aya-chan?" Anko asked teasingly.

"J-Join you?" Ayame squeaked. Up on their lookout post, Sakura was twitching and Sasuke looked as though his soul was halfway out of his body.

Naruto finished his ramen with a flourish, setting down the final bowl. "Mmm... Done! Thanks Ayame-chan! That was great!" He turned from the silent Ayame to Anko. "Let's go, Nee-chan!"

"Alright. Let's get you your stuff and then over to my house!" Anko said enthusiastically.

"Okay!" Naruto cheered. They headed off, leaving four very disturbed individuals... Though at least Hinata Hyuuga had fainted dead away to spare herself further trauma.

"... No wonder he's been acting so weird much lately! He... He's... She's...!" Sakura's keen mind brought up every bit on psychology she could remember, and she gasped in horror.

"She's using ramen to turn poor Naruto into her sex slave!"

Sasuke slowly nodded, his own eyes wide in horror.

"I can't believe this... I-I should've seen it coming! He kept hitting on me no matter how many times I hit him..." Sakura's green eyes nearly popped out of her skull as the horrible truth hit her.

"I did this! Oh God, I played right into her hands! Nooo!"

Sakura's imagination painted a vivid picture of the horrible things Naruto was no doubt undergoing, being turned into Anko's plaything...

"...L-lucky..." Sasuke managed.

"WHAT?!" Sakura screamed. She stared in outraged horror at Sasuke. Sasuke coughed, and looked away.

"Well..."

"Oooh...!" Sakura snarled, shaking her fist at her crush. "Naruto is one thing-He's stupid and innocent and easily manipulated with ramen! BUT YOU?! I-I can't believe you! Doesn't it bother you that he's been turned into the private pet of a psychotic, sadistic kunoichi?! She was Orochimaru's student for crying out loud! Who KNOWS what she might be doing to him!"

**_Ooh! It actually sounds kind of hot-_**

"QUIET YOU!" Sakura snarled.

"Who are you talking to-" Sasuke tried.

"NEVERMIND!" Sakura growled. "We've got to do something!"

"Let's go find Kakashi then," Sasuke suggested. "If you're so concerned."

"Good idea!" Sakura cried. She held her hands to her chest. "Oh Naruto, you poor moron... Don't you worry! Help is on the way!" She leaped off.

"Hn," Sasuke sighed. Honestly, this was why he preferred older women... And envied Naruto so much.

"SASUKE!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Sasuke grumbled as he followed. He slid to a halt on a rooftop when he caught sight of someone pale, curvy, and blue haired. "Hey, hold up!"

"What?" Sakura asked. Sasuke pointed down at the alley way, and Sakura gasped.

"Oh no! Hinata!" She sprung down and shook her. "Hinata, wake up! What's wrong with her?"

"She probably saw the same thing we did," Sasuke said dryly.

"Well why would that affect her?" Sakura asked innocently. Sasuke stared in disbelief at the pink haired girl.

"... What?"

"... And you call yourself a _girl_," Sasuke snorted.

"What? What?" Sakura demanded. Sasuke sighed.

"Nevermind... Let's just get her somewhere so she can recover... And won't try to murder anyone."

He'd seen Hinata in wrath once. He shuddered for the first time since Orochimaru had bit him.

Yeah, he was just going to go back to repressing that too...

* * *

At this very moment, Ino Yamanaka, blonde babe of the Konoha Twelve, was searching for her friend and teammate Chouji Akimichi. She grumbled, irritated.

"I've checked every restaurant in Konoha's east end," she muttered. "I mean geez! How much diversity in his diet can he have?!"

Ino Yamanaka still underestimated the determination of Akimichis to enjoy food as much as possible. It was what had turned Konoha into not only an economic powerhouse of ninja but also of fast food franchises.

She turned a corner and found herself at the Ichiraku Ramen Stand. She sighed.

"Well, on the plus side, I might get to see Sasuke if he's with Naruto," Ino said with a smile. Admittedly, her ardor for Sasuke had cooled off quite a bit, but he was still pretty to look at. And Naruto too, sometimes... Maybe if he wore different clothes. And was quiet.

"Uwah..." Ayame moaned. Ino blinked as she saw Ayame in the middle of a full blown blue screen of death. Concerned, Ino reached across and touched her hand. Ayame twitched.

"...You alright?" Ino asked.

"I... Ino! Oh Ino, it-it's horrible!" Ayame gasped. Ino smiled comfortingly, and decided to try for a joke to lighten the tension.

"What is it? Naruto decide he doesn't like ramen?"

Ayame broke into tears and grabbed Ino's shoulders. She hugged Ino across the bar with frightening strength.

_Urk! Bad idea, bad idea!_ Ino mentally gasped.

"No, worse! He... Mitarashi's gotten her hooks into him and is-is making him do things for her!" Ayame pushed Ino back and shook her by the shoulders. "Do you understand me?! She's taking advantage of him! Making him into her sex slave!"

Ino stared at Ayame in total silence for about thirty seconds. Not that she timed it or anything but over a minute of silence outside of ninja missions just wouldn't be like her.

"..Wow, does she have bad taste..." The full implications of what she'd heard hit her, and her eyes widened. _"WAIT WHAT!?"_

"You can switch minds with people! Go after them and STOP HER!" Ayame insisted. "Free my poor Naruto from her evil sexy control!"

"Uhh... Ayame, I'm a genin and Anko is like... Well..." A special jounin who made most of the jounins nervous and frightened. Even hers. Not just because of power, but because of crazy.

Which with ninja was often a dead on correlation.

"Please! For me?" Ayame sniffled. Ino sighed.

"I'll... I'll go see what I can do," Ino said, defeated. Ayame smiled brightly.

"Don't worry! I'll send you back up as soon as you can!"

"Please do," Ino sighed. She turned and headed in the direction of Anko Mitarashi's home, grumbling.

Oooh... Naruto, you moron, you are so going to owe me for this...

In a ninja village, much like every other human community, rumors spread like wildfire. While Sakura was not as socially adept as Ino, she knew well enough to get juicy news out. And this was particularly juicy.

This served Sakura's purposes nicely though. After all, no other kunoichi had been nearly as adept at laying traps in her year as she was. And she knew her quarry quite well.

"Hee hee..."

Well, not that well, but well enough. Sasuke had gone off to get their other friends to help, leaving Sakura to deal with the big fish. With Hinata's Byakugan to help, she was able to find Naruto's perverted sensei at a hot springs, giggling over bathing beauties.

They crept up on him from either side, Hinata surprisingly eager to help with saving Naruto. She guessed Hinata liked him after fighting Neji on her behalf or something. Hmph, and Sasuke said she wasn't a good girl! What did he know? His conditioner wasn't nearly as good as hers...

She held her hand up, and raised three fingers, knowing Hinata could see her. She lowered one finger, then two, then formed a fist.

"AHA!" Sakura cried, exploding from her hiding place. She dove for the back of the red clad old man. Jiraiya swung around and caught the kunoichi by her wrist, holding her up over the rooftop that he'd staked out the baths on. Hinata stopped her charge short, skidding to a halt with her Jyuken charged hands glowing.

"Really?" He asked with a skeptical expression. Sakura shrugged as best she could.

"... It was a thought..." Sakura said. "Besides, I have anger issues."

**_BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULL FOR THE SKULL THRONE!_**

_Shut up! I don't get that reference!_ Sakura growled back mentally.

"M-Maybe we should have just asked him for help..." Hinata suggested.

"What can I, the Great Jiraiya, do for you? You small angry girl?" Jiraya asked.

Sakura wrenched her wrist free. "Naruto is being used as a sex slave!"

Jiraiya's brows rose. "Really? By whom?"

"ANKO FREAKING MITARASHI! Emphasis on FREAKING because she has a FREAKING Masters in being a FREAK!" Sakura snarled.

"Th-That's right!" Hinata added.

Jiraiya hummed. "I could've sworn she'd gone in for her PhD by now. This is a problem for Naruto why?"

"What part of 'ANKO FREAKING MITARASHI' did you NOT understand?!" Sakura demanded.

Hinata nodded, a flash of anger in her eyes. Sakura shuddered a bit when she saw it, but kept her focus on the task at hand.

"The 'freaking' part is actually all part of what makes it a non-problem to me," Jiraiya said.

"Listen you old pervert!" Sakura snarled. "This is an unhealthy and destructive relationship your apprentice is in!"

"You did see her Bingo Book entry, right?" Jiraiya asked. "I don't really see a problem... They're both single, she's an older attractive woman... lonely... meeting a kindred soul in a younger man," Jiraiya gained a wistful look. Hinata blushed bright red.

"Show him the sexual ropes as it were..." Jiraiya grinned and pulled out his notepad and a pen. He scribbled down a few thoughts. "Hey, this is good stuff!"

_"SHE'S OROCHIMARU'S FORMER APPRENTICE!"_ Sakura exploded. Jiraiya held a finger up to his lips.

"Shhh! Not so loud! Besides, he probably taught her that tongue thing," Jiraiya said, waggling his eyebrows.

"This is like... _Sensei incest_!" Sakura hissed. Jiraiya grinned.

"Good point! That makes it even hotter!" Jiraiya scribbled that down. Sakura growled and resisted the urge to punch the old man.

Jiraiya eyed her shrewdly, and then looked over at Hinata.

"Oh. Oooohhh-ho-ho-hoo~! I see... You two want him for yourself!" Jiraiya nodded approvingly. "I must say, it's a very mature decision at your age, to share-"

"Wh-What?! No! No!" Sakura denied frantically.

"You'll get him for sure if you work together!" Jiraiya complimented.

"R-Really?" Hinata asked. Sakura stared at her in disbelief. Her blush reach incandescent levels. "I-I mean, um, er..."

"What is your problem?" Sakuta asked in disbelief.

"Um... N-Ninja?" Hinata asked.

".. That isn't an _answer_!" Sakura said, outraged.

"Sure it is," Jiraiya said with a nod. Sakura facepalmed and groaned. She raised her head and sighed, shaking her head.

".. Urgh. Look... If you come with us, maybe you'll get a chance to watch them going at it," Sakura grumbled.

Jiraiya grinned cheerfully, snapping his notebook shut. "I'm there!"

"Great," Sakura sighed as Hinata looked... Contemplative.

* * *

While this was happening, Ino had made it to the home of Anko Mitarashi. Contrary to popular belief, the house was not a den of doom where damned souls wailed. It was a nice, sensible, older home in the suburbs of Konoha, nestled in a copse of trees. The kind of place you'd look up the meaning of "copse" for because it sounded better than a grove.

Ino peered around a tree, focusing her chakra senses into the house. She could sense two signatures inside. Beyond that she couldn't get anything else. She frowned, and considered her options.

Well, I could mind switch one of them... I'd have to get a lot closer... But what kind of situation would I be in?

Her mind painted a few pictures... Several pictures.

_In Ino's mind..._

Naruto, looking particularly child-like and innocent as he skips along. The sun is shining brightly above as birds and Naruto sing.

"Lalala, lalala, I love ramen, doo doo doo...!"

Then came Anko, looking like a seductress out of a Marvel fanboy's wet dream. She hissed.

"Oh Naru-chan~..."

"Huh? Oh! Hello Anko! I was just enjoying the nice sunny day!"

"Oh, I have a better idea," Anko purred. Naruto blinked.

"What?"

"Let's play... 'Violate the Innocent Boy!'" Anko cried as she pounced on Naruto, hearts floating into the air above them.

"Ah, Nee-chan! This feels weird...!"

"Shut up fox brat, and squeal for mommy!"

"Eep!"

She blushed bright red. She shook her head.

Yeah, it might not be a great situation... On the other hand, if I switched out with Anko...

_"Squeal for Ino-sama, Naru-baby! Mwahahahaha!"_

Ino blushed harder and shook her head furiously free of those thoughts. Just in time to spot Naruto exiting the house with a bit of a limp. He turned and waved back at Anko with a bright smile.

"Thanks Anko-nee-chan!"

"Sure you need to go, Naru-chan?" Anko crooned. Naruto smiled and nodded cheerfully.

"Yeah! I've got to get home! I can't do it without my special supplies!"

_Special supplies?_! Ino thought in disbelief.

"Don't keep me waiting, Naru-chan," Anko said with a hint of menace. "You know how I hate to be kept waiting."

Naruto shivered with some obvious fear, and nodded quickly. "Of course, Anko-nee-chan!"

Ino analyzed the body language of Naruto and Anko... And she clenched her fists.

Naruto turned and walked away, heading for the road. Ino watched him go by, and made her decision.

"Naruto!" She cried as she sprang from her hiding space to tackle him. The other blond yelped and pulled away, which sent Naruto onto his back and Ino on top of him.

"OOF!" Naruto cried. "Ino?! What the-?!"

"Are you okay? She didn't hurt you, did she!?" Ino cried. She pulled open Naruto's jacket and ran her hands over his chest. Naruto gaped.

"Ino-I-No, she didn't!

"Are you sure?" Ino asked, checking his neck for hickeys or bite marks. Naruto blushed and took hold of Ino's hands, moving them away. He scowled up at her.

"What are you doing?!"

"You, and Anko...Anko...horrible Christmas Cake... PREDATOR!" Ino got out. Ino's hands made one last circuit of his body, as Naruto blushed brightly. She was blushing too-He was rather well built underneath that stupid orange outfit...

_"INO!"_

"She's doing horrible lewd things to you!" Ino cried, as she got to her feet. Naruto scowled and got up as well.

"No she isn't!"

"Of course she isn't, she makes you think they're not wrong, but they're definitely wrong!" Ino insisted. Naruto shook his head.

"We're not doing anything like that!"

"Oh? Then what are you doing?" Ino demanded. "What are the special supplies?"

"Just some butter, honey, KY jelly, and rubber tubing."

Ino stared in sheer disbelief. Naruto scowled.

"What? Why do you want to know anyway, huh?"

"Well, she's... _Everyone_ knows it's _Anko_," Ino said. "She's bad news! This just proves it!"

Naruto's scowl grew deeper. "Oh... So just because she's Anko, that means she's doing all sorts of terrible things to me?"

"Well... Kind of, yeah!" Ino said, a bit taken aback. Naruto growled and turned around, stalking down the road.

Geez I'm off my game! Ino thought.

"Naruto! Wait!" Ino cried. Naruto scowled and looked over his shoulder. Ino rested a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry for that," Ino said. Naruto continued to scowl.

"Really?"

"Really!" Ino insisted, looking emphatically into his eyes. Naruto stared back, and slowly nodded.

"All right... Thanks," Naruto said.

There was some silence, as Ino waited for the tension to die down. She then said:

"So...what do you and Anko do?"

"Um... I'm not supposed to talk about it," Naruto said, looking at the sky.

Ino scowled. Damnit, he was evading now... She had to earn the trust back! But how? All Naruto cared about was being strong, becoming Hokage, ramen, orange... Sakura... Friends... Closer than friends...

_Aha!_

"Come on, we're friends, right?" Ino said with a smile. Naruto blinked. "We helped each other out during the Chuunin Exams, didn't we?"

"Well, yeah..."

"And I'm friends with Sakura," Ino went on. "And you'd tell her about this, right?"

"But I can't," Naruto said.

"Why not?" Ino demanded. Naruto shrugged.

"I made a promise."

Oh God. Ino knew how Naruto was about those, if only by reputation. He was stubborn as hell, even for her!

"Naruto...what did she make you promise?" Ino asked. Naruto scowled.

"Well, if you think she's some kind of horrible evil person, I'm not going to tell you!" He crosses his arms and huffs.

"I don't!" Ino insisted. She thought she was a twisted, sadistic, immoral person! Totally different!

"Yes you do," Naruto growled.

"I'm just worried..." Ino said. Naruto huffed.

"Why?"

And then it hit Ino. Her keen mind hatched a brilliant plan. After all, if you wanted to get someone out of a bad relationship, why not get them into a better one? If she knew how to do anything, it was manipulate men! And in this case, it would be for a good purpose!

Well... It wasn't a pleasant idea, but she couldn't just let Naruto remain the plaything of that woman! She wasn't an uncaring bitch! She hugged his arm and let her voice drop an octave.

"...Well, because I care about you," Ino said softly. Naruto blushed.

"Uh? What...? Like uh, how?" He asked. Ino mentally groaned. Come on, she was the best looking girl in their year! Even if Sasuke couldn't appreciate it, some dope like Naruto was sure to be easily molded by her wiles! At least he had hormones, which couldn't be said for guys like Neji...

"You know...I... " She blushed deeply, and looked aside, "...Like you."

"Uh... No. You like Sasuke, "Naruto said that in the same tone he might use to talk a crazy person. Ino resisted her urge to hit him at this, instead snorting derisively.

"Pfft...I used to."

"Used to?"

"But you know...Sakura got on his team, and I kind of gave up... And I guess I wanted to be Sakura's friend more than her rival," Ino went on. Naruto frowned... And then snapped his fingers.

"Wait... I've got it! Sakura liked Sasuke first... So... Oh my God, you've just liked him so much to keep pushing her to feel better about herself!" Naruto grinned proudly. Ha! He was a genius! Looking underneath the underneath, he sure showed Kakashi-sensei!.

"...I LIKED SASUKE FIRST!" Ino cried, exasperated.

Naruto winced. "Oh."

Ino took a deep breath, planning on refocusing her game before Naruto interrupted her thoughts:

"Um... So why not now? Just so you can be friends with Sakura-chan? I thought you were friends before, you just fought a lot."

"I wanted to fight less."

"So you don't like him now... You like me," Naruto said, slowly. "Why?"

"Well...you were pretty awesome against Neji," Ino said quietly. She looked at him under her bangs, pleased he was blushing back at the warm look. "And Sakura told me about your fight with Gaara. How you saved her."

Naruto grinned.

"Thanks! Guys like Neji just piss me off-He shouldn't have treated Hinata like that! And Gaara..." He shook his head, looking serious and... Dare she say it... Rather cool. "I had to save Sakura-chan... And Sasuke... Everybody."

Naruto smiled, looking older as he looked into the distance.

"That's what a Hokage does, after all. Why he's strong. To protect _everyone_."

"Yeah," Ino said, blushing more genuinely.

They stood there in companionable silence for a bit.

"Well, um... " Naruto broke that just fine, rubbing the back of his head. "I don't... Really know what to say. I mean... I do like Sakura-chan..."

In the process of acting out her confession, Ino had forgotten her prior worry. That did make her wonder... Sure, she was Sakura's friend but she didn't know what Naruto's obsession with her was.

"So why do you like her so much?" Ino asked.

"Well... I think she's great. And pretty. And, well," he scratched the top of his head. "There's something about her that's really... Fiery."

"Yeah, you could call it that," Ino muttered.

"Like, you know how she's all nice and quiet and gushy around Sasuke?" Naruto made a face. "I don't like that Sakura. I like her when she's got that fire in her eyes, when she's herself... If that makes sense?"

"Yeah, I get it," Ino said, humming low in her throat.

"Really hurts when she's like that though," Naruto commented, rubbing his chin. Ino smiled warmly.

"I can be warm and fiery..." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. "Without hurting." She allowed herself to adopt a doe eyed expression. "Unless you like that~."

"Ah, um..." Naruto managed, staring back at Ino. Ino just smirked sexily.

She had to admit, after dealing with guys who seemed to have no hormones, it was nice to be appreciated.

So why was he staring at her like that?

* * *

In Naruto's brain, an epic debate was happening between several aspects of Naruto's self. It may have been a side effect of the Kage Bunshin-Splitting one's consciousness between multiple perspectives tended to make one's brain a bit unstable unless you had a learning disability.

Fortunately Naruto did. But it still resulted in the abstract processes of thought being expressed in a somewhat fanciful way.

One Naruto, dressed in a proper business suit and tie (Orange, of course), stepped forward representing reason as he always did.

"Clearly we must approach this calmly! This is a stressful situation, it's where I shine!"

Reason!Naruto was just as quickly punched out by a Naruto dressed in fiery orange clothing.

"WE MUST RETURN THE KISS AND SEND HER INTO THE HEAVENS!" He bellowed, shaking his fists as Reason!Naruto groaned.

"SHE HAS THE FIERY PASSION OF YOUTH!" A Naruto in an orange spandex suit cried. Everyone ignored him.

One Naruto, representing the blonde's insecurities, struggled at the feet of the others bound and gagged.

"Mmmph hnngh mmph!" He cried.

"He kind of has a point," Reason!Naruto pointed out, getting back up and adjusting his glasses. "She might just be manipulating and lying to us."

Courage!Naruto huffed.

"FOOL! SHE IS TOO FIERY! WE CANNOT DISCOUNT HER!"

"So what do we do?" Asked Reason!Naruto.

"KISS HER MOTHERFUCKER!" Every Naruto turned to see another one-This Naruto was dressed in a white suit with a loud orange shirt underneath and a gold chain around his neck. He was also holding an M-16 for some reason and sniffed.

"Listen here, ya dogs! Thirteen years old! We should be busier feeling our Sexy Jutsu self up instead of killin' people! I want to fuck! I want to fuck good, hard and long! We're gonna fuck dis chick, and fuck 'er good! YOU GOT IT!?" He bellowed in a strangely Cuban accent.

"Well I-" Reason!Naruto tried again, before Libido!Naruto shot him down. Literally, without even a "say hello to my little friend."

"I AM A TEENAGED BOY!" Libido!Naruto shouted. "THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS TO ME IS RAMEN! _EXPLOSIONS_! AND _TITS_!"

"You're out of order!" Reason!Naruto managed, bleeding copiously from multiple gunshot wounds.

The Libido!Naruto kicked Reason!Naruto to the curb. Libido!Naruto cackled.

"YES! I GET TO BE IN CHARGE! _TITS FOR ALL!"_

"Ahem."

Libido!Naruto froze as he felt a familiar gaze on his back. He slowly looked over his shoulder to see a Naruto in black monk's robes, with a halo and angel wings.

"No," Morality!Naruto said calmly. Libido!Naruto grumbled as Reason!Naruto rose from the curb, smirking.

"So what do you suggest we do, ya fu-"

"Ahem?"

"... Fudging goody two shoes?" Asked Libido!Naruto.

"YOSH! WE SHOULD DEFEAT HER SO SHE WILL BECOME OUR BELOVED!" Youth!Naruto shouted.

"NO!" Shouted every other Naruto, even the gagged one.

"But it worked-!"

"NO!"

"We never get to do what I wanna do," pouted Youth!Naruto.

"Fine! Don't fuck her...yet," Libido!Naruto said at last. He glowered at the others. "But I expect some fucking fucking soon!"

"I AM IN FULL AGREEMENT!" Shouted Courage!Naruto. "CHARGE!"

"OH RAMEN!" Reason!Naruto cried.

* * *

Outside, Naruto turned back to Ino. He smiled at her and leaned forward to kiss her cheek. However, in true cliche'd fashion she had turned her head to study him better, and their lips brushed together. Naruto pulled back, as did Ino, and they stared at each other with bright red cheeks.

"Um... I um... I'vegottago!" Ino cried, turning and running off. Naruto stared after her, his hand moving up to his lips.

_… Yeah, way better than kissing that bastard_, he decided.

* * *

_I keep trying to avoid it, but Naruto keeps drawing me back in. Ah well, let's see where this goes shall we?_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Naruto: An Intervention**_

_**Andrew J. Talon**_

_**DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. Naruto is the property of Shueisha, Viz Media and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.**_

* * *

Sakura looked around the committee she had gathered to deal with this situation. Ayame and the whole of the Konoha Eleven were present except for Naruto, for obvious reasons, Ino, for slightly vague reasons, and Lee, who had gone to retrieve Ino. Kakashi, Asuma, and Kurenai were also present though their attitudes on this ranged from completely apathetic to mildly inconvenienced to wondering why the FUCK was she suffering being in the same darkened room as Asuma?

Yeah, the two of them were currently off in their off and on thing.

Oh, Jiraiya was present as well, taking notes in his handy-dandy notebook.

"All right!" Sakura declared. "Naruto is being used and enslaved by one Anko Mitarashi! You all know who she is, and what she's capable of!"

Shino's well hidden expression did little to hide his annoyance. "I don't see why this should concern any of us." It also allowed him to hide his fear at Hinata's spike of killing intent.

"Yeah, I mean, old enough to be ninja, old enough to-URK!" Kiba was cut off by Hinata shifting her killing intent to him. Akamaru even whimpered and hid deeper in Kiba's jacket.

Shikamaru got up. "Welp, I'm out. Let me know when something serious is going on."

"THIS IS SERIOUS!" Sakura snapped at him. "If any of us were twisted into someone's sex slave, you KNOW Naruto would save YOU!"

"Yes, he would!" Ayame agreed.

Asuma hummed. "But what if you didn't want to be saved?"

Sakura shook her head. "You think you wouldn't but you wouldn't be able to see, objectively, how you were being abused, used and defiled!"

Asuma nodded towards Kurenai. "I'm well aware of what that's like."

Kurenai slapped Asuma so hard that the cigarette hanging from his mouth landed in Kakashi's hair. Chouji winced at this.

"Furthermore this is Naruto, who is as dense as a neutron star, we're talking about," Sakura went on.

"What's a Neutron Star?" Kiba asked.

His query went ignored.

"She's right," Kurenai said, "he probably doesn't realize he's being used. We need to do something."

Hinata could not have loved her teacher more than this moment.

"But what can we do?" Tenten, whom everyone had forgotten was in the room, asked.

"Why don't we figure out what would cause Naruto to gravitate towards Mitarashi-sensei in the first place?" Neji, whom everyone had known was in the room, suggested.

"It's easy to figure out what happened..." Sakura sighed melodramatically. "Poor Naruto, who had to deal with a CERTAIN TEAMMATE WHO IS A JERK!"

She pointed at Sasuke.

"And had been cruelly rejected by his LAZY ASS TEACHER..."

She pointed at Kakashi, who calmly looked up from his ever-present copy of Icha Icha to drolly respond:

"Hey. Older women put hair on a man's chest."

Sasuke looked in Kurenai's direction at this, and began overtly checking her out.

Sakura whacked them both over the head, subsequently putting out the fire that the lit cigarette that had started in Kakashi's hair. "AND BECAUSE OF THEIR BAD INFLUENCES, HE FELL RIGHT IN WITH THE DEVIANT, PREDATORY SNAKE WOMAN!"

Kiba rolled his eyes. "I agree with Shino, how is this any concern to us? If Naruto wants to hook up with a hot older woman, than who are we to-"

He suddenly fell face first to the ground, unconscious. Everyone looked from the unconscious dog-themed nin to Hinata, as the murderous stare she'd given Kiba disappeared in lieu of her usual reserved, if a bit anxious, expression.

Neji cleared his throat as Kiba regained consciousness and got back up. "This is precisely why we must intervene."

Chouji continued to preoccupy his mouth with shoving loads of chips into it. Shikamaru had been gone for about three minutes now.

"The worst of it all is that he was allowed to be trained by a complete and total pervert who is happy to enable all of this!"

All eyes went to Jiraiya, who didn't seem the least bit put off by the accusation. "If the sandal fits, but Sakura-chan, you're forgetting a particular element in your theory of debaucherization."

"Oh?" Sakura glared at Jiraiya.

"Well, you're a violent maniac who at the very least regularly hit Naruto for the crime of not being Sasuke," Jiraiya pointed out.

"Yes, he has a point," Kakashi added.

Kurenai nodded. "Yes."

"Yep," Asuma said as he rubbed his jaw.

"You did haul off on him a lot, I thought it was funny at first but damn," Sasuke contributed.

"Yeah! You're the one always beating him up when he asks you out on a date!" Kiba's voice was strangely high pitched.

Hinata nodded in agreement.

"She probably turned him into a masochist," Tenten surmised.

Shino agreed with Tenten's hypothesis. "It looks like it to me."

"What?! I-I did not!" Sakura denied.

Kurenai hummed. "Perhaps that's why she took interest in him.: Anko loves inflicting pain, too. She probably saw how Naruto soaked it all up and got ideas."

Tenten folded her arms and smirked. "I bet, Sakura's probably just upset she didn't get to turn Naruto into her lowly dog first."

Sakura recoiled at the accusation, but it was Kiba who took the most offense.

"Hey!"

Tenten smiled weakly. "No offense, Kiba, Akamaru."

Akamaru happily barked, [I would be your dog any day, meat buns.]

Tenten looked to Kiba. "What'd he say?"

"H-he says you have very nice hair."

Tenten beamed and cuddled Akamaru. "Oh, thank you!"

"LOOK! This is TOTALLY not my fault!" Sakura defended.

"But it is, just said it was," Sasuke pointed out.

Sakura recoiled. "I... it...!"

"Ha! Trying to cast the blame on others!" Kiba accused.

"Knew she was a pervert," Kakashi said from behind his book.

Sakura quickly tried to get the program back on track. "LOOK! Regardless of how it happened, we need to stop this from continuing! Naruto's being taken advantage of and I think we need to stage an intervention!"

"What about Mitarashi?" Neji asked.

"She'll find some other boy to do things to for her personal amusement if she can't have Naruto," Kurenai assured.

Sasuke began to deliberate how to catch her on that particular rebound. He might need to ask Kakashi for tips. Or hell, even Jiraiya. After all, look at what he'd done for Naruto.

At that moment, Lee arrived, with Ino in tow. The green clad genin smiled cheerfully as he came before Sakura. Ino was wearing a blush on her cheeks, and a smile too.

"Sakura-san! I have retrieved Ino-san!" Lee reported. Sakura nodded.

"Good work Lee! Ino, we could really use your help."

"Yes, have the girl you constantly and sexily feud with here to prove you're not a pervert," Kakashi commented.

"I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!" Sakura snarled.

"Don't deny your feelings," Kakashi said, turning a page in his book.

"You're fantasizing over your student?!" Kurenai demanded. Kakashi shrugged.

"Not her. When she's legal. You have seen her mom, right Asuma?"

"I'm with Kakashi," Asuma said. At Kurenai's glare, he shrugged. "What? We're off right now."

"I keep forgetting," Kurenai mumbled. "Keep this up and we're not likely to ever get back on. Jackass."

"Ino! Did you find Naruto? Is he okay?" Ayame asked, trying frantically to get things back on track. Ino giggled.

"Oh... He's very okay... And he's quite the kisser, too."

Dead silence fell upon the entire meeting as a hideous killing intent fell upon them all. Kurenai stole one of Asuma's cigarettes, lit it off Kakashi's burning hair and took a long drag. Ino slowly looked over at Hinata, who was staring intently at Ino.

There didn't seem to be anything unusual about that. Hinata's expression was one of mild disapproval and anxiety. Which again, seemed perfectly normal... right up until you realized that her Byakugan had silently activated and waves of killing intent were pouring off of her. Those closest flinched as the heavy waves pulsed... all gathering to be directed at Ino.

Ino, noticing the sudden silence and the strange feel of impending doom, snapped out of her happy daze and began to say, "Um... I mean..."

"You..." Hinata said mildly, but the words fell like metal slabs slamming into place, sealing one's doom.

"Oh shit," Sakura muttered. She leaped in front of Hinata and formed a handseal in front of her face. "Sexy Jutsu: Naruto Edition!"

POOF! Sakura's form vanished in a cloud of smoke, and was replaced by a grinning, winking, nude Naruto Uzumaki. Hinata gasped.

"Oh my... Yes...!" She fainted dead away, her skin burning pure red. Shino thoughtfully caught her.

"Mmm," Ino hummed, covering her cheeks.

"Huh. That's a remarkably accurate henge of a naked Naruto," Sasuke said. At the looks of everyone else, he shrugged. "What?"

Sakura released the henge, and blushed. "Er, well..."

"She must have studied him... Quite extensively," Shino observed.

"N-No! I haven't!" Sakura insisted.

"This really explains all the hitting you know. You're denying your own attraction so you sublimate it into violence. Classic, really," Jiraiya observed, still taking down notes for his handy-dandy notebook.

"I'm the one you fangirl, and yet you know his nude body better than mine?" Sasuke asked in some disbelief. Sakura shook her head.

"Don't say that Sasuke! I know every inch of your body intimately too!"

"... Seriously creeped out now," Kiba commented, having just now woken up.

"What? I get bored!" Sakura insisted. She shot a deadly glare at Kakashi, whose hair was still on fire. "You haven't trained me in anything except for tree walking! Maybe if you gave me more meaningful work to do I wouldn't have to be..." Here Sakura blushed. "Bored!"

" I dunno, that's pretty good observation training," Kakashi observed. "Can you prove that you-"

Sasuke, seeing where this was going, immediately objected.

"Hey! No, don't-!"

"Sexy Jutsu: Sasuke Edition!" Sakura cried, poofing into the form of her crush.

"Ooh... Nice," Tenten said with a grin.

"Not bad," Ino said, with a shrug. Sasuke facepalmed.

"WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING YOUR STUDENTS KAKASHI!?" Kurenai demanded. Jiraiya turned to the gray haired Jounin and smiled.

"You've done well."

Kakashi's hair went out and he just smiled.

"Of course, my master..."

"Geez man, you are pale," Kiba observed, tilting his head. "Do you like, ever see the sun?"

"Yosh! Being so pale is unhealthy, Sasuke-san!" Lee cried. "Perhaps I could suggest a training method for-"

"CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS?" Sasuke burst out. Sakura poofed back into herself, and cleared her throat.

"Yes! Thank you, Sasuke-kun," Sakura said. "Ahem. Ino, you say you... Kissed Naruto?"

"I... I didn't mean to," Ino admitted. "I just thought-"

"That by seducing him away from Anko, you might get him free of her nefarious influence?" Sakura asked. Ino slowly nodded.

"Sure! Let's go with that!"

"Ah, I'm afraid one woman will not be enough to overcome Anko Mitarashi's sexiness," Jiraiya intoned, suddenly deep and serious. Kakashi nodded.

"If you are to overcome Anko Mitarashi, you must out sexy her."

"Impossible," Sasuke said dismissively. "No woman here could match her sexiness."

"I will have to concur." Shino said dryly.

"You have much to learn of sexiness, my young apprentice," Kakashi said to Sasuke, giving Ayame an appreciative look. Ayame blushed and fiddled with her hair. Sasuke turned to Kakashi with some new respect in his eyes.

"Of course, my master..."

"But! If you must challenge her sexiness, and 'rescue' Naruto" Jiraiya said, "it will require a proper ninja seduction team! Flat Pink Haired Tsundere, Shy Big Boobie Hyuuga Girl, and Sexy Blonde must join together!"

"I'm all for that!" Ino said.

"Yay," Hinata mumbled from her place on the floor, slowly roused from consciousness.

"I am NOT tsundere!" Sakura growled.

"Funny she'll only deny that," Kiba noted. Shino nodded.

"What about Sexy Ramen Girl?" Ayame asked. Sasuke immediately shook his head.

"There's no need for Sexy Ramen Girl. It would only overwhelm him."

"Also, I'm afraid that you give off 'big-sister' vibes that would be attempting to run directly counter to the 'naughty big sister' vibes Anko is using," Jiraiya said. "Throws the whole thing right off!"

"But maybe my sexy vibes could overwhelm hers with the right support," Ayame insisted. Kakashi shook his head.

"Sorry Ayame. You're not ninja enough for it."

"This is discrimination!" Ayame complained.

"Hm... Yes, it is," Kakashi said. "Don't worry though-We'll have a use for you in his post-trauma therapy."

At Ayame's smile, Kakashi looked over at Sasuke with a look that was... difficult to read, but might possibly have been interpreted as, "I'm trying to save this one for you, my apprentice."

This completely went over Sasuke's head, of course.

"But we'll need every advantage to overcome Anko's sexiness!" Insisted Sakura. "As much as I want to deny it, we'll have to in order to break him out of his chains!"

"Ah... Excuse my ignorance, Sakura-san, but I am a bit confused. Why is this meeting going on, anyway?" Lee asked.

"Oh... Um... Well," Sakura began, trying to find a way to break it to Lee gently.

"Naruto is the sex slave of Anko Mitarashi," Chouji said. Sakura glared at him, as Lee gasped.

"Ah?! That's what they're doing?!" He cried.

"I didn't even know he knew where babies come from," Kiba muttered. Neji adopted a haunted expression.

"He knows... Gai-sensei took us through the lessons himself," the Hyuuga boy mumbled, pushing his fingers together in a distinctly Hinata-like gesture. Tenten rolled her eyes.

"Prude," she huffed.

"Deviant," Neji muttered back.

"Then that means..." Lee's eyes bulged. His hands went to the sides of his head. "Ah! AHHH! OH NO!"

"What Lee? What?" Sakura asked.

"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee cried. "MY BELOVED GAI-SENSEI IS IN MITARASHI-SAN'S CLUTCHES AS WELL!"

Kakashi's visible eye bulged. Neji fainted in much the same manner as his cousin. Tenten gaped. Hinata gasped, still on the floor. Sasuke considered his kunai as a tool for gouging his eyes out, as everyone else reacted in an appropriately shocked or horrified manner.

… Save for Jiraiya, who was busily writing away.

"Well! That settles it!" Sakura said, standing a bit taller. "We need to save Naruto... and Gai-sensei!"

"Do we have to?" Neji asked.

"Yes!" Kakashi insisted. "We cannot allow him to enjoy-Er, suffer any longer than we have to!"

Kakashi received more than a few weird looks from the others, but he was used to it.

"All right!" Sakura said, pumping her fist. "I've got a plan! Hinata, Ino and myself will handle Naruto-"

"Yay," Hinata repeated softly. Ino echoed her with a broad grin.

"While someone will have to distract Anko," Sakura said.

"YOSH! I shall bravely-!" Lee began, but Tenten immediately covered his mouth.

"You'll thank me later... Or curse me," Tenten said. Lee's eyes bulged.

"Mmph?!"

"You have to save Gai-sensei, Lee," Kiba explained. "Don't take it personally!"

"Yeah," Chouji said.

"So... Do we have any volunteers?" Sakura asked, standing primly. There was a split second of silence.

"Not it!" Kiba, Shino, Neji, Asuma, and Chouji said as one.

"Not it!" Kurenai contributed a moment later. Kakashi and Asuma both looked a bit disappointed. Kurenai shot them deadly looks.

"Not it!" Ayame said, after a moment's thought. Jiraiya looked a bit disappointed. Ayame just blushed a bit and shrugged.

"Not-mmph!" Sasuke tried, but his mouth was covered by Kakashi's hand.

"Well, I'd say that's unanimous," Kurenai observed with a dry look at Kakashi. "Uchiha-san will handle Anko."

"NO!" Sakura gasped. "HELL NO! I WILL DISTRACT ANKO!"

"While that would be sexy and amusing," Jiraiya observed, "as the person who brought Naruto to this point, shouldn't you be the one to bring him out?"

"You'd think she'd do more penance being the target," Shino observed. Chouji shook his head.

"She'd probably like it."

"True," Shino admitted.

"I WOULD NOT!" Snarled Sakura.

"Sensei," Sasuke growled. Kakashi just gave his student an eye smile, and a wink. Sasuke frowned, thought about it... Shrugged.

"Eh. The idiot will owe me afterwards," Sasuke said. Sakura glomped onto him.

"Oh Sasuke! You're so brave!"

"Yeah, that's the word," Kiba snarked.

* * *

The next morning Ino, Sakura and Hinata met in a grove of trees across the road from Anko's place. Sakura pulled out photos from her equipment pouch and set them on the ground.

"All right, these are all the photos of Anko's house I was able to obtain."

"What's this photo of Itachi Uchiha in the shower doing-"

"Ah, eheh, blackmail material," Sakura said, yanking that photo and holding it to her chest.

"Doesn't Sasuke hate his brother with the fire of a thousand suns?" Ino asked.

"HE'S STILL HOT!" Sakura growled, holding up the photo defensively. "Seriously, look how hot he is!"

"How did you get this anyway? He's an S-Ranked super ninja," Hinata said.

"I'm just that good," Sakura said with a smirk. "... That and he didn't seem to really care..."

"Sakura's deviancy aside," Ino said, ignoring Sakura's squawk of indignation, "I think our best bet is to just let me go in. I've already got a relationship established with him."

"So d-do I!" Hinata insisted. Ino smirked a bit and pulled up her top, revealing something sexy and lacy.

Nice, Inner Sakura said.

"I came prepared," Ino purred. Hinata scowled (though it was more like a pout) and opened her jacket, revealing something rather... Silky.

"M-Me too," she said.

"I did kiss him," Ino said. Hinata's eyes gained that frightening intensity from last night.

"So did Sasuke," commented Shikamaru, who had appeared out of nowhere. "Not exactly something to be proud of."

"Shut up Sh-Shikamaru!" Ino and Hinata snarled, though Hinata was the one with the stutter. Shikamaru shrugged and walked off, hands in his pockets.

"Why exactly do you stutter so much anyway?" Sakura asked. Hinata coughed.

"Um... I have a speech impediment that-that flares up when I'm nervous... V-Very nervous..."

"Or aroused, right?" Asked Sakura, sniffing significantly. Hinata's skin turned bright red and she closed her jacket.

"Um... I-I could do it... S-S-Seduce him, I mean," she said. Ino laughed.

"You can barely say the word! How could you go through with it?"

"A... A... R-Ramen bikini," Hinata said with a touch of defiance. Sakura snorted.

"Anyone could seduce Naruto with a ramen bikini. Lee could seduce Naruto in a ramen bikini!"

Ino shuddered. Hinata covered her face up.

**_Ooh, Mama like_**, Inner Sakura said.

_Shut up!_ Sakura growled mentally.

"I-I am the only one who is going to s-s-seduce Naruto in a ramen bikini... S-Since I have it," Hinata managed. Ino sniffed.

"Hey! I would look good in a ramen bikini too!" Ino insisted. Hinata glared, rather cutely.

"N-Not with both l-legs broken you wouldn't," she said flatly.

Sakura sighed, and rubbed her forehead. "You two are seriously fighting over who gets to seduce him?" Sakura gulped at the twin glares sent her way from Ino and Hinata, and edged away.

**_Don't take that from them! Fight for your right to wear pasta for seduction purposes!_ **Inner Sakura cried. **_Mmm... And maybe for the right to eat it off their naked bodies if Naruto doesn't want all of it-_**

"Ramen bikinis are impractical anyway," Sakura said quickly. "You wouldn't be able to keep the broth on."

"You'd need a small swimming pool of broth, for it to work," Ino noted.

"See? Impractical." Sakura replied. "Jiraiya-sama was right-We need to do this together!"

"Y-Yes... As a pr-proper... S-Seduction team!" Hinata managed. Ino gasped and clapped her hands together.

"And I know just how to accomplish it!" She said with a grin. Sakura blinked.

"How?"

"Sexy cosplay!" Ino said with a grin. Sakura blinked again.

"... You're kidding right?"

**_I like her! She will be the first I fist!_** Inner Sakura cried.

_Shut up!_

* * *

Meanwhile, across the road, Sasuke, Lee, Chouji, Shino, Kiba and Neji were watching the house of Anko Mitarashi with several different emotions. Ranging from Sasuke's determined expression, to Lee's game day face, to Chouji's "What is for Dinner?" expression, Neji's "Why am I here?" expression to Shino and Kiba's "We hope to see Sasuke Uchiha suffer incredible torment" faces.

Needless to say Sasuke was putting Shino and Kiba on his "Revenge List" right after Itachi (for obvious reasons), Itachi's shark boyfriend (for equally obvious reasons) and Naruto. Primarily for being so lucky... And that damn sexy jutsu...

Honestly, it was just not fair. Naruto had power, endurance, understood Sasuke perfectly, was scary good at accounting... Why couldn't he have been born a girl?

Not that Sasuke had sexual lust for men, thank you very much. He had enough trouble dodging his fangirls. But it was entirely unfair that someone who, if he was a bit older and a girl would be prime Uchiha Matriarch material. Visions of Super Uchihas danced through his head, with Naruto's unnatural endurance and his Sharingan. A bouncy, boobalicious blonde wife tending to a whole flock of Uchihas. A flock!

But no. He had to be a stupid guy and he had to have gone and gotten entrapped by Anko Mitarashi, a super babe and potential Uchiha Matriarch (well maybe if she mellowed out a little). And he had to go "rescue" him. It was the height of unfairness.

Especially the not being born a girl thing...

"Sasuke-san? Are you all right?" Lee asked.

"I was not wishing Naruto could be born a girl so I could fuck her awesome tits!" Sasuke growled.

Dead silence.

Kiba sighed, and handed over some money to a very smug looking Shino. Sasuke buried his face in his hands. Lee coughed and looked up at the sky.

"I cannot hear anything you said, Friend Sasuke! Nothing at all! What was that? I heard nothing! NOTHING!"

"I'll just... Go get myself killed now," Sasuke said.

"I hope it's quick," Chouji said, munching on chips.

"I don't," Neji growled.

* * *

Naruto emerged from Anko's home, looking a bit worn out. His clothing was rumpled and there were bags under his eyes. He yawned and stretched his hands up over his head.

"Uwahhh... Man, that was exhausting," Naruto said. He grinned. "It was awesome though!" He turned around and waved. "See you later, Anko-nee-chan!"

"Oh? Just later?" Anko called through the door. "But there are so many fun things we could do~..."

"Nah! I'm tired," Naruto said. "But you can keep going with Super Fuzzy Brows-sensei!"

"True, true, but you are a lot more fun," Anko called.

"I take offense to that, Anko-san!" Cried Gai. "I am incredibly fun!"

"Mm... You two could always compete for my favor," Anko said, a smirk in her voice. Naruto grinned.

"Compete? Would you teach me something cool if I won?"

"Oh, I can think of a _few_ things," Anko practically crooned. Naruto grinned and rubbed the back of his head.

"Okay!"

* * *

"He's come out," hissed Sakura. She looked in the direction of the bush the boys were hiding in, and made several hand signals. Ino and Hinata stared at this.

"... What... What is that?" Ino asked.

"Sign language," Sakura said with a smirk. "ANBU Sign Language! I'm telling them to launch their distraction the moment we grab Naruto."

"And who of them would know this? Or... See it?" Ino asked.

"Well, Neji would see it," Sakura said. "And a smart guy like that should know ANBU sign language, right?"

"Not really," Hinata said. "They don't teach you that until you get into ANBU."

"Then... Then what did Kakashi teach me...?" Sakura asked.

"'I... Am a sexually repressed... Harridan?'" Neji read.

"Well we know that," Kiba said, "but what about Sakura?"

"I'm going to kill you, Inuzuka," Neji growled.

* * *

"Okay okay okay!" Sakura growled, waving her hands. "I'll just tell him the plan and he'll read my lips. Ahem. 'We'll grab Naruto, you take care of Anko.'"

Sakura looked over at Hinata, who had her own Byakugan on. "He get that?"

Hinata nodded. "He's nodding..."

"Good," Sakura said. She sighed. "Honestly, your cousin is such a great guy... Why couldn't we have sent him in to distract Anko?"

Hinata blushed. "Er... He's making another signal."

"What? What is it?" Sakura said.

"I think he can read your lips," Hinata said. "He's making a hand sign back."

"What does it mean?" Sakura asked, as Hinata coughed. Ino smirked.

"I can guess..."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "All right, all right... Distraction Team... Go!"

* * *

"She says go," Neji said blandly. Sasuke frowned.

"Do I have to?"

"You could stay here, but you'd begin to resemble a girl so much I'd wonder if you knew Naruto's Sexy Jutsu," Shino said. Sasuke glared death at him.

"How do you know I-... Goddamnit!"

"This is just not your day, huh Sasuke?" Chouji asked, chewing on some popcorn.

"All of you. Revenge list. Right after Itachi," Sasuke growled.

"I'm gonna lose so much sleep over that," Kiba jeered.

"Come!" Lee cried, unable to restrain himself any more. "We must leap in and save my sensei from Anko-san! Quickly Sasuke-san, go in! Be distracting!"

"Okay, how?" Sasuke asked flatly. Lee gripped Sasuke's shoulders. "Uwah?"

"My apologies, Sasuke-san," Lee said solemnly. "FOR GAI-SENSEI!" He spun around on one foot, and threw the shocked Uchiha survivor at the house.

"AAAHHH!" He cried.

Naruto looked down at the ground, and grinned as he bent over. "Hey! A ryo!"

_WHAM!_

Naruto stood up and stared in disbelief at Sasuke, who was sliding down the front door of the house. "Sasuke? What are you doing here?!"

"Urgh... Why couldn't you be born a girl...?" Sasuke moaned. Naruto blinked.

"... Sasuke, are you drunk?"

"NOW!" Sakura shouted. Three cloaked figured leaped out of the trees and grabbed Naruto's shoulders and waist. His eyes widened, surprised.

"Huh?! What the-" They vanished in a burst of smoke, leaving Sasuke to get back to his feet and groan. He rubbed his face.

"'Distraction Team duty sucks..."

"Naruto-kun? What's going-Oh!"

Sasuke gulped, and turned around. His face, red from the impact against the door, turned scarlet when he got a look at Anko's attire.

Or rather, the lack thereof. She adjusted her apron (the only article of clothing she wore, save for her sandals) as she eyed Sasuke. She glanced down at her body, and then back at Sasuke. She smirked.

"Well... Well... Well... Aren't you getting an eyeful?"

_Mommy...!_

* * *

_In a clearing some distance away..._

Naruto groaned as he sat up and rubbed his head. "Man, what the hell was that? Why did I-AH!"

Sakura stood over him, flanked on either side by Ino and Hinata. All three wore cloaks, that waved in a dramatic breeze. Sakura glared down at him.

"Naruto..."

"Look, whatever happened I didn't do it! I have an alibi!" Naruto insisted.

"You're not in trouble, Naruto! Well, not with us," Sakura said. Naruto looked up at her curiously.

"Then why are you looking so intimidating?"

"I'm not intimidating!" Sakura insisted. "This is how I normally look!"

"Yeah, that's why you're intimidating," Ino giggled.

"H-He has a point," Hinata said. "You are kind of scary..."

"I AM NOT SCARY!" Sakura snarled. Naruto covered his head with his arms.

"Don't kill me! Whatever I did I didn't do it!"

Sakura took a deep breath to calm herself, and lowered her clenched fist. "Right... Naruto! We are, in actual fact, saving you."

"Saving me?" Naruto asked. He looked over at Ino, who was blushing. "Hey! I don't need saving! What did you tell her, huh?"

"Don't be upset with her, Naruto! She's just worried about you!" Sakura said. She shook her fist. "Stop being such an insensitive twat!"

"Um, Sakura...?" Hinata warned. Sakura lowered her fist again and sighed.

"Right... Look. Naruto? This is an intervention!"

"Um... Sakura? One moment?" Ino asked. Sakura sighed and the three girls huddled.

"I thought this was a seduction mission?" Hinata muttered, blushing bright red as Ino followed suit. Sakura shook her head.

"We're going to try the intervention first. Then..." She sighed in exasperation. "We can try it..."

"All right! Let's get the intervention stuff out of the way quickly so we can get to the good part!" Ino said eagerly. Hinata glared at her. Ino just smirked back.

"What are you guys talking about?" Naruto asked, trying to peek over Sakura's shoulder. Sakura's fist hit him square in the face in a Offhand Backhand that would have done Batman proud. Naruto slammed into a nearby tree. "GWAH!"

"SAKURA!" Ino shouted. "WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Sorry, sorry! Force of habit!" Sakura apologized.

"You need to break that habit..." Hinata said, in a tone that implied 'Before I break you.' Sakura gulped.

"Right, right..."

* * *

_Yeah, I have no idea how this is going to end. Well actually I do. _

"And then they all fucked. The end!"_  
_

_But not yet..._


	3. Chapter 3

**_Intervention_**

**_Andrew J. Talon and The Ero-Sennin_**

**_DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. Naruto is the property of Shueisha, Viz Media and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release._**

* * *

Sasuke continued to stare, much like a mouse mesmerized by a snake ready to strike. In a lot of ways, she _was_ a snake ready to strike.

"Eyes up here, or I bite you," she warned him.

An extremely masochistic part of Sasuke demanded he defy her, but he defied it instead and looked up at her.

"So what brings you to my door, little Uchiha?"

Sasuke took a deep breath and regained his composure as he stared at Anko. She didn't seem to mind that she was standing outside her door in just an apron. In all honesty, she didn't seem to mind going around in next to nothing at all more than anything and if Sasuke asked around, he would've found that her neighbors didn't mind her going around in next to nothing either.

"I guess my first question is, why are you just wearing an apron?"

"It's laundry day, do you have any idea how easily wire mesh bodysuits get dirty? It's a real pain in the ass." Anko smiled. "That's not the reason you're here, are you?"

"Well no, of course not! I came to talk to you about Naruto." It was really hard to focus with that amazing body covered by so little right in front of him. His face reddening, he shuffled his feet as he tried to maintain that wavering focus on her face.

"You should stop taking advantage of him." There, he got it out. Simple, precise, and to the point.

"He's doomed," Neji sighed.

"Yeah, but what a way to go," Kiba drooled.

"She's magically babelicious," Shino observed.

"... Did you actually just say that?" Chouji asked, eating popcorn.

Anko raised an eyebrow, and after a moment of staring at Sasuke, she grew suspicious. "What do you mean by 'taking advantage'? What have you heard?"

Sasuke resisted recoiling at this. "What do you mean what have I heard? I haven't heard anything from anyone!"

He took a few quick breaths. "I just happened to notice Naruto looking pretty rough after hanging out with you..." he fidgeted some. "Like just now! He looked exhausted, what were you and him and Gai-sensei doing in there?"

"Gai-sensei!" Lee exclaimed quietly as he tried not to burst into tears, and failed. Neji sighed and patted his shoulder.

"There. There," he stated in a monotone.

Anko's suspicion turned into surprise, and then her eyes narrowed seductively. "Oh, I never kiss and tell, sorry."

Sasuke did recoil this time. "K-kiss and tell?!"

Neji quickly caught this, and grew wide-eyed.

"What? What did she say?" Chouji asked.

"Kiss... And tell!" Neji gasped.

"Holy crap!" Kiba cried, his cheeks turning red. "She _is_ Naruto's kinky mistress!"

"I must call him Naruto-sama from now on," Shino said. "Truly he is the master now."

"He's the master by being the bitch?" Kiba asked.

"With _that_ woman?" Shino asked. Kiba nodded.

"Good point..."

"You two are pathetic," Neji muttered.

"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee wailed. Neji sighed.

"Nevermind..."

"You know-" Anko's thought stopped when she heard Lee's distant yell and she glanced towards his direction. Seeing nothing, she let her eyes go back to Sasuke, whose expression was a mixture of fury, envy, and disbelief as his brain unlocked enough for him to speak again.

"Y-you and him... and Gai-sensei?!" He shook his head, and attempted to get angry. "J-just having your way with him?!"

Anko smirked, oh he looked so delicious like this. "Oh come on, Uchiha. Why are you looking at me like I'm some kind of monster? I never would've done anything with Naruto if he didn't want it."

Sasuke's jaw practically detached from his head, it fell so fast.

Anko wrapped her arms around her waist, holding herself and squeezing her breasts together enticingly. "In fact, he was so insistent! He actually got on his knees and _begged_ for me to play with him. Honestly, who am I to refuse someone who wanted to be with me _so bad_?"

Neji's entire face went bright red, to the point his Byakugan eyes looked bloodshot. Chouji stopped eating his chips. Kiba and Shino were already thinking of ways to convince Naruto to share his secrets. Lee was chomping at the bit to dive in to rescue his sensei, but Neji managed to keep a tight hold on the spandex.

"I... you... wha...?" Sasuke could find no words as he beheld this revelation. "B-but Gai-sensei-"

Anko glanced back. "_Him_?" She looked back to Sasuke. "What he and I get up to is something else entirely, but he doesn't mind; in fact he joins in from time to time. Naruto doesn't mind it either, he thinks the more the merrier after all, and I agree. But it's so tiring, you know? Gai's having a nap right now to recuperate."

Neji was now cursing his bloodline straight to hell and wishing he could gouge out his own eyes. The other members of the Distraction Team were not faring much better. Lee was whimpering.

"Gai-sensei...! Is this the sort of thing you told me that only the most fiery of men could experience?" Lee sniffled. "I WISH TO BE JUST AS MAN-MMPH!"

"Quiet! She'll catch us!" Neji growled as he covered Lee's mouth.

Sasuke was staring at her chest now, everything falling by the wayside except for "the more the merrier". Did that mean what he thought it meant?

Anko shamelessly did a bit of ogling of her own, and her smirk grew. "That all said, did you really come here to get me to stop... or did you come to play with me?"

Sasuke just continued to gape at Anko, and he could hear a chorus of dead ancestors suddenly singing great and happy tune for him as the clouds parted and a ray of sunshine beamed onto him. She was asking? She was really asking him to-?

"Because I wouldn't mind playing with you for a few hours... or more."

SHE WAS! YES! SHE WAS TOTALLY ASKING!

As if all the fear had left Sasuke, his composure returned but he did not go back to his usual aloof self. He took it a step further, drifting right into the casually confident that would've had Sakura and Ino fainting on the spot and forgetting all about whatever entanglements they were getting into with Naruto.

Anko blinked, and had to admit, inwardly, that he was one handsome mother fucker when he wasn't being a miserable mope.

"Well, if you're asking-"

"NOOOOOOO!" Rock Lee bellowed as he broke free from Neji's hands. He grabbed the shocked Sasuke and threw him over his shoulder. "You will not take another for your unyouthful desires!"

He leaped away like a rocket, but only after throwing down a handful of smoke bombs that enveloped everything in a thick cloud of white. Neji groaned.

"Run! Mission accomplished!" Neji said as the group fled.

"What about Gai-sensei?" Chouji asked.

"What _about_ Gai-sensei?" Neji snorted.

Kiba was in tears. "I can't believe it... Naruto is my hero! I never wanted to be someone's bitch so much!"

Shino would've commented on Kiba already being everyone's bitch, but he was too busy being stuck in awe of Naruto.

And running.

* * *

"Okay, come on! Let's start this properly," Sakura said, her hands glowing green from a healing jutsu as she pressed them to the sides of Naruto's head. "After Naruto's concussion is healed..."

"Which I'd like to point out, _you_ caused," Ino said flatly. "Naruto, you okay?"

"Urgh... I think I'm still concussed..." Naruto said, staring up at the sky. "Am I supposed to see angels?"

"Stop flattering me, moron!" Sakura growled, smacking Naruto's cheek.

"Ow!" Naruto groaned as he sat up, rubbing his cheek. "Hey!"

Hinata blushed brightly as Ino giggled.

"Now come on! We need to focus on your unhealthy relationship with Anko Mitarashi," Sakura said sternly. Naruto huffed.

"I'm not doing anything unhealthy! I get lots of exercise with Anko-nee-chan!" Naruto said flatly.

Hinata looked torn between lust and rage. Ino was mostly lust. Sakura sighed and rolled her eyes in disgust.

"That kind of 'exercise' is not appropriate for you!" Sakura said angrily. "You're being used by Anko for... For...!"

"For what?" Naruto asked, blinking. "What do you think I'm doing, huh?"

"She's... She's doing perverse, twisted things to you!" Sakura growled.

"What?! No she isn't!" Naruto growled.

"Oh? Then what are you doing?" Sakura asked flatly. Naruto hesitated. Ino pounced next.

"It's a simple question, Naruto," Ino said. "I mean, maybe you don't know any better. In which case, you shouldn't spare a single dirty detail." Ino drooled. "Especially if it involves _spanking_."

"What?! Spanking?!" Naruto gasped.

"Spanking?!" Hinata cried, holding her hands to her cheeks.

"Yes! Spanking! And possibly whipping, Anko looks the type," Ino sighed.

"I don't get whipped!" Naruto cried.

Sakura tried to ignore the fact Hinata and Ino both looked a bit disappointed at this. Hinata more so for some reason...

"Look Naruto. Sometimes you can be led into thinking something is okay when it's not because you're... Well... Stupid," Sakura said.

"I'm not stupid!" Naruto growled. "There are plenty of people who are dumber than me!"

"Name some," Sakura challenged.

"Konohamaru!" Naruto said.

"You're smarter than an academy student. A _gerbil_ is smarter than an academy student!" Sakura growled.

"We-Weren't we all academy students?" Hinata asked Ino. Ino shook her head.

"That wouldn't get in her way..."

"No I'm..." Naruto paused. "Isn't!"

"Look Naruto, we're trying to help you so cooperate! Accept you have a problem, that's step one! And your problem is that you're in a sadomasochist relationship with a crazy snake lady!"

"I am not!" Naruto growled.

"M-Maybe we should check Naruto's body? Just in case...?" Hinata suggested. Sakura smiled.

"Of course! That's perfect! Hinata can just us her Byakugan-"

"No!" Ino growled. She coughed at the looks from the others. "I mean... We need to all check, and verify that Naruto isn't suffering from physical abuse."

"I-I could just Byakugan-"

"And then you'll pass out and we won't get anything done," Ino said. Hinata blushed.

"I-I won't pass out! I don't pass out all the other times I'm... Oh... Oh dear," Hinata mumbled, covering her face. Naruto blinked.

"What?"

"Nothing! Naruto, strip down!" Sakura growled.

"Hey! I'm not stripping down!" Naruto said back.

"Just do it Naruto!"

"No!"

Sakura sighed... And looked over at Ino. Ino nodded. Sakura smirked, and then looked back at Naruto.

"But Naruto... We're all just concerned for you! Look how concerned Ino is!" Sakura said. Naruto blinked as he looked at her. He started at her teary eyes and hands clasped in front of her chest.

"Please Naruto... Can't you let us check you... Just so we know nothing's going on?"

"N-N-Nothing's going on!" Naruto insisted.

"Then you should be just fine with letting us examine you," Sakura said. Naruto looked to Hinata for help. The Hyuuga heiress too was blushing severely, but she managed a very concerned and guilt inducing look. Naruto sighed.

"Oh... Fine," he muttered.

Naruto pulled off his jacket, and then tossed it aside. Sakura noticed that Ino and Hinata were both breathing harder. She sighed and crossed her arms over her chest.

"T-Shirt too," Sakura said.

Naruto looked more than a bit concerned. "Er, well, it's not like I-"

"We're checking everywhere Naruto, now off!" Sakura ordered. "It's nothing I haven't seen before."

"What do you mean by that, hmm?" Ino asked, raising an eyebrow.

"She-She means when she's seen Naruto go swimming... R-Right?" Hinata asked, with just a tiny bit of menace. Sakura nodded.

"Of course that's when I saw him!"

"Oh good, you already saw me so I can just go-" Naruto reached for his jacket, but a glare from Sakura stopped him. He sighed. "Fine..." He reached down and gripped the edge of his shirt. He pulled it up over his head. Hinata sucked in a deep breath, and Ino licked her lips. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"Turn around," Sakura said, spinning her hand around.

"Yes, definitely turn around," Ino hummed. Naruto grumbled and did so, twisting around on one foot.

"There, happy?" Asked Naruto, irritated.

"Oh yes, very happy," Ino purred, which made the blonde ninja blush. Hinata blushed as well, her fingers tapping together.

"You can see that I don't have any horrible scarring, right?" Naruto asked, irritated. "Can I go now?"

"Well," Sakura began, but Ino shook her head furiously.

"No! We haven't seen... All of you," Ino said with a wide smile. Naruto gaped.

"Wh-What?!"

"Y-Yes... Everything," Hinata mumbled. Sakura grimaced.

We could just skip to the sexy orgy part, suggested Inner Sakura.

Shut up you! Sakura growled.

You can't resist me forever!

Sakura ignored her inner self and returned her attention to Naruto, who was pushing down his pants. She had to admit, the blonde knucklehead was nice and ripped. And after learning Sasuke was into older women she felt just a bit disappointed with her crush. But still, Naruto was an idiot.

**_A nice, hot idiot who is eager to please-_**

Sakura covered her ears. "Lalalalalala!"

"Uh... Sakura? You all right?" Naruto asked. Ino shook her head.

"Don't mind her, she's just having issues," the blonde kunoichi said, dispelling his concerns with a wave of her hand. "Now then..." She leered. "The boxers, please."

"What?!" Naruto squawked.

"Hey, when we say everything, we mean _everything_," Ino said. "Isn't that right Hinata? ... Hinata?"

Sakura pulled her hands away from her ears and looked down at Hinata, who had fainted with a happy smile on her red face. Sakura sighed.

"Look Naruto, the sooner we get this over, the better all right?" Sakura said. "I mean, we could do something worse to you."

"What could be worse than this?!" Naruto demanded.

"Oh, I can think of a few things," Ino moaned softly.

"Ino, would you control yourself?!" Sakura growled.

"I'm just sticking to the plan, Forehead, what are _you_ doing?" Ino asked pointedly. Sakura coughed. Ino grinned. "Having second thoughts, hm?"

"N-No! I'm just not sure we need to go... That far, you know?" Sakura admitted.

**_Goddamnit Outer, would you stop being a pussy and let me do my thing?_** Inner Sakura demanded.

_Shut up already! You'll get your chance when you're needed!_ Sakura thought back.

**_Surrrre I will, Queen of the Prudes. With you in charge we're never going to get laid! Even when it's for a freaking good cause!_**

"I-HEY!" Sakura growled as she saw Naruto trying to sneak away. "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, NARUTO!"

"Look, I really don't know what's going on but I'm getting out of here! This is really weird!" Naruto insisted as he bent over to pick up his clothes. Sakura cursed as Ino licked her lips.

"Guess it's time for Plan B then," Ino said cheerfully. She began to undo her robes.

**_Oh for crying out loud, would you PLEASE let me handle this?_** Inner Sakura demanded. **_I won't even go to the nookie option... Yet._**

Sakura considered... And sighed.

_Fine._

**_YIPPEE!_**

Ino observed that Sakura's eyes dilated, and then her pupils shrunk. A twisted grin came over her face. She turned to the unconscious Hinata and kneeled down next to her. She took her by the shoulders and shook her.

"Hinata! Hinata! Wake up!" Sakura insisted. "Naruto is in danger!"

Hinata's eyes snapped open. "In-In danger? Naruto?!"

"Yes!" Sakura insisted with as much conviction as she could muster. "And if you don't get his boxers off right now he will DIE! _Do you understand?!"_

"What?!" Naruto gasped as he turned around. "There's nothing wrong with my-!"

There was a whoosh, and a moment later Naruto felt... Something of a draft. He looked down, his eyes widening and his jaw dropping.

"I've saved you, Naruto-kun!" Hinata gasped, standing behind him. He turned around... And Hinata fainted happily away, clutching his torn boxers to her chest.

"I am so, so sorry for doubting you Sakura," Ino moaned happily.

"Do you see anything?" Sakura asked, having put Inner back under where she belonged. Ino sighed.

"_Wonderful_ things."

"ACK!" Naruto cried, covering his shame as best he could with his hands. "You-You-HEY! You're acting like-like-!"

"Like a bunch of perverts making my Naruto-kun strip for your pleasure," purred a sensual and dangerous voice. Sakura immediately turned around to sputter her denials... And they died in her throat.

"How very... Very interesting," Anko Mitarashi said with a grin.

"_Damnit_ Forehead," Ino muttered. Sadly, Sakura's Inner was saying the same thing.

* * *

"Haa... Haa... Haa..." Sasuke lowered his hands as he finished his beat down of his male comrades. The only one to escape his furious fists and jutsu was Shikamaru, who had arrived just in time to watch.

"Ergh... My head," Kiba moaned.

"My youth!" Lee gasped.

Akamaru would have contributed to the sounds of pain, but Sasuke had punted him into the next training area.

"I am in incredible pain. Unbelievable pain. You really are a sadistic foe," Shino groaned, somehow in a monotone.

"Owwwww," Chouji contributed.

"What the hell was that for?" Neji demanded. Sasuke stared in disbelief at the Hyuuga prince.

"Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!" Sasuke growled. "I had the chance to bang Anko Sexy Psycho Babe Mitarashi! And you guys fucked it up!" He turned away and ran a hand over his face. "That was my... My only chance, too! I will never, ever have another chance with her!" He turned back to his injured friends and grabbed Lee, shaking him by the shoulders.

"How could you do this to me, man?!" He demanded. Lee stared back.

"I am sorry, Sasuke-san... But I could not let you suffer the same fate as Naruto and Gai-sensei-OH MY BELOVED GAI-SENSEI!" Sobbed Lee. "STILL IN THE CLUTCHES OF THAT WOMAN!"

Lee rolled back and forth, crying almost pitifully. Neji sighed and patted Lee's shoulder.

"There. There," Neji said blandly.

"As much as I hate to admit it, he has a point," Shikamaru spoke up. "You probably should have just left him to his fate. If he wanted it that much."

"Fine then," Chouji groaned. "Next time we will leave you to get banged by the hot older psycho chick."

"Thank you!" Sasuke growled.

"Just as we let you get bit by that other crazy psycho chick," snarked Kiba. "OW OW OW NOT THE FACE NOT THE FACE!"

Sasuke was not as forgiving as Hinata, so he went back to kicking Kiba in the balls.

"That's just uncalled for," Shikamaru noted.

"You're not stopping it," Chouji observed. Shikamaru shrugged.

"Nope."

Sasuke stormed off angrily, and began to mutter to himself as he stalked through the trees.

"Avenger's log, supplemental. To hell with that bastard. To hell with everyone. Everyone's on my revenge list, right after Itachi. I'm gonna have sooo much hatred to crush him with it's not even going to be funny. Except it will be funny especially when I rip his tongue out and shove it right up his-"

"Sasuke!"

Sasuke paused in his muttering to look over at a familiar, attractive form nearby tree. Ayame Ichiraku stood there, her hands wringing together as she fretted.

"Hn?" Sasuke asked, his hormone addled state making him look her up and down. "What?"

"Is-Is Naruto all right?" Ayame asked earnestly. "I tried to go to Anko's home but um..." She pointed to a few senbon sticking out of her hat. "I'm not that fond of getting killed."

"As far as I know, he's fine," Sasuke growled. "Enjoying the attentions of the most babelicious woman in Konoha! Whom I will never get to enjoy..."

"Enjoying?! You really think that?" Ayame demanded. She grabbed his shoulders and shook him. "He's an-an innocent idiot who is enthralled by that witch! Please, you're his best friend! Can't you do something?"

"Innocent? What do you mean, 'innocent'?! He invented that stupid Sexy Jutsu!" Sasuke growled, gently gripping her wrists and pulling her hands away. Ayame sighed.

"Yeah, but... Well... He didn't exactly come up with that alone," she said. Sasuke blinked.

"What do you mean?" He asked. Ayame sighed, and lifted a hand up to her cheek.

"Well... It's kind of embarrassing, but..."

"But?" Sasuke prompted.

Ayame looked at Sasuke with a mild blush. "I was... The model for his sexy jutsu."

Sasuke's jaw dropped. His Sharingan came out and he looked her up and down. Ayame blinked.

"... What are you doing?"

"Analyzing your body structure and language," Sasuke said. "Try posing sexily. Better yet, maybe you should strip down-"

"PERVERT!" Ayame shouted, smacking Sasuke.

"URK!"

_Okay... Clearly some violence issues... But I can totally work with that,_ Sasuke thought.

Besides, the new Uchiha matriarch would need some inner fire.

* * *

Sakura gulped quite loudly, but was able to keep her terror under control. After all, she had faced Zabuza, Orochimaru, and Gaara of the Sand! Surely she could prevent herself from losing bladder control just because she was confronted with Anko Mitarashi!

"It's... It's not what it looks like," Sakura managed. Anko hummed thoughtfully and rubbed her chin.

"I don't know... It looks a lot like three girls working together to seduce my Naruto-kun," she said. She snapped her fingers. "Off with the robes!"

"Wh-What?" Sakura gasped.

"What?!" Naruto gasped back. "Anko-nee-chan-!"

"Now," Anko growled with more than a little menace and killing intent. Sakura repressed a meep, sighed, and undid her utilitarian robe. She opened it up, and let it drop to the ground. Naruto gasped, and the pink haired girl had to admit-She liked the fact Naruto was reacting to her (slightly modified) nurse's uniform.

**_Time for a check up, darling! Mwahahahahaha!_** Inner Sakura cackled.

_Oh shut up!_ Sakura thought back.

"Uh huh," Anko said, raising an eyebrow and nodding. "I see... You! Blonde girl! Off!"

"Well... If you insist," Ino said. She shrugged off her robe as well, and posed with a grin as she unveiled a rather brief and sexy black and purple lolita dress. Naruto's jaw dropped and his face turned bright red as he beheld this latest development. "What do you think, Naruto~?"

"Um... Uh," Naruto managed. Anko hummed.

"Not bad, not bad... Oi! Hyuuga girl!"

"Uh... Y-Yes?" Hinata asked, having returned to consciousness. She was looking anywhere but directly at Naruto, lest she faint again.

"Off, now," Anko ordered. Hinata trembled, but did as directed. Her robe fell, and Naruto's eyes bulged out as he got a good look at Hinata's long legs and curves barely contained in a sexy schoolgirl outfit. With shaking hands, Hinata pulled out some glasses and set them on her face, completing the image.

"H-Hinata?!" Naruto gasped.

"Do... Do you like it, Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked shyly, tapping her fingers together and blushing for maximum moe effect.

_Why do I feel strangely envious?_ Sakura and Ino both thought.

"Huh... Sexy Nurse, Sexy Lolita, Sexy Schoolgirl," Anko observed. She nodded approvingly. "Clearly you've got some potential when it comes to seduction missions!"

"S-S-Seduction mission?!" Naruto squeaked. "Th-That's what this is about?!"

"Well duh Naruto-chan," Anko said with a grin. "Why else would they kidnap you and tempt you with sexy cosplay?"

"Um... Lots of reasons...?" Sakura tried.

"We're not letting you have _my_ Naruto," Hinata said in determination, her Byakugan flaring to life as she glared at Anko. "And-And even if I have to share with... With others, we will save him!"

"And seduce him!" Ino added with a broad grin.

"Hooray," Sakura added, almost entirely without enthusiasm. Anko hummed, looking quite calm while inside she was laughing her ass off. She then looked over at the flabberghasted Naruto and grinned.

"Well Naru-chan... Clearly there's only one thing to do," she said quite gravely.

"Wh-What?" Naruto asked. Anko grinned.

"Let's just see how good they really are at this seduction mission, hmmm?"

_Inside Naruto's mind..._

"AT LAST! MY TIME HAS COME! BWAHAHAHAHA!" Libido Naruto cackled.

"Not yet it hasn't!" Reason Naruto shouted. "Something weird is going on! Why would all three of these girls want us at the same time?"

"OUR YOUTHFULNESS!" Youth Naruto declared.

"OUR AWESOMENESS!" Courage Naruto shouted.

"Mmmph mmngle!" Insecurity Naruto tried, but he was still struggling in bondage.

Morality Naruto held his peace, content to just wait and see what was going to happen.

"Who cares?!" Libido Naruto said. "They want a seduction mission, let's give 'em a seduction mission!"

"The point of a seduction mission is to resist the wiles of kunoichi," pointed out Reason Naruto.

"No, the point of a seduction mission is to make the kunoichi change sides after we bang them so well!" Libido Naruto retorted, pounding his chest. "Clearly this is our chance to demonstrate that!"

"I AGREE!" Youth Naruto declared. "Besides, is not copulation one of the finest expressions of youth there is?"

"BLAST THEM TO THE HEAVENS!" Courage Naruto shouted.

"Looks like you're outnumbered, ol' Four Eyes!" Libido Naruto grinned. "What are you going to do about it?"

"Oh gee, I don't know," Reason Naruto said, rubbing his chin. "How about-KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!"

"Wait, what-?" Libido Naruto got punched in the face, and a tremendous brawl broke out. Morality Naruto sighed and watched the battle in exasperation.

"Can't we all just get along?" He asked. A Rasengan nailed him in the face, and he rose with a furious expression.

"That's it! DIVINE WRATH TIME, ASSHOLES!" He shouted.

Outside, Naruto reacted to the conflict within him the simplest way possible: He fainted with a spectacular nosebleed.

"So... Does that mean we win?" Sakura asked. Anko grinned and summoned several large snakes.

"Nope~," the kunoichi grinned. "It means you fail~."

"CHEESE IT!" Sakura screamed.

**_Wait, wait, I want to see where this goes!_ **Inner Sakura tried, but Sakura overruled her by punching herself in the head and running like crazy.

"We'll be back for you, Naruto!" Ino shouted as she dragged the furious Hinata away.

"NO! NOOOO! WE CAN'T LEAVE HIM HERE!" Hinata wailed, still clinging to Naruto's boxers. Anko watched the kunoichi retreat with a sigh, and shook her head.

"Amateurs," she muttered. She eyed the passed out Naruto, and then grinned.

"On the other hand, this does make my fun last much, much longer..."

* * *

Ayame walked down the path angrily. Sasuke followed her, waving his hands in appeasement.

"Come on! I meant it as a compliment!"

"No!" Ayame growled.

"You know, this is entirely illogical," Sasuke pointed out. "You flashed Naruto. Why not me?"

Ayame turned around and glared at Sasuke with a furious blush on her cheeks.

"I-I didn't flash him!" Ayame insisted, waving her finger in his face. "I modeled for him! He needed to know anatomy for his jutsu!"

"So did he let you draw you too?" Sasuke snarked. Ayame glared and smacked his face. "Urk!"

"You really need to learn how to talk to girls," Ayame stated. "Otherwise you're never restarting your clan!"

"Oh, and Naruto knows how to do so better?" Sasuke growled. Ayame snorted.

"As a matter of fact, he _does!"_

Sasuke raised a finger, sucking in a breath... And then he deflated.

_Damn her for having a point... _He turned around and scratched the back of his head.

"Avenger's log, supplemental... The Ramen girl has a point. Clearly I must change my approach if I am to get her to become my bride and mother to my new clan," Sasuke murmured. "Naruto has attracted a great deal of female attention. I swear I saw Tsunami checking him out more than once. But what is the secret? Why must I only get useless fangirls instead of hot, spirited, intelligent and mature women after me?"

Ayame blinked a few times. "Are... You okay?"

"What, do I have to paint whiskers on my face? Must I scream loudly? I already _love_ her ramen, not that I can ever reveal that. Naruto would never let me hear the end of it," Sasuke continued to mutter.

Ayame moved in front of Sasuke and waved her hand in front of his face. "Um, Sasuke? Hello?"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed and he became even more broody. He continued, paying Ayame no attention. "So clearly Naruto has figured out something I have not. And in order to discover this, he must be freed of Mitarashi. Besides, he can also aid me in attracting his hot surrogate big sister."

Ayame grabbed his shoulders and turned Sasuke to face her. She shook him, a worried expression on her face.

"Who are you _talking to?"_

Sasuke blinked a few times, and coughed.

"... I'm... Complicated?"

Ayame stared a bit longer. "... How about you help me rescue Naruto and I'll just keep this to myself?"

"Will you at least consider becoming my wife and mother to my reborn clan?" Sasuke asked. Ayame sighed.

She _had_ seen Itachi, after all. And Sasuke was his little brother. So yeah, _that_ part of Ayame was totally fine with waiting for Sasuke to grow up a bit.

"Until then, can I see you naked?" The Uchiha heir asked, going for broke.

Ayame glared and smacked the back of Sasuke's head.

"Don't push it!"

"Ow," Sasuke muttered. "Avenger's log... That strike was surprisingly arousing."

"STOP THAT!" Ayame growled. Sasuke coughed and nodded.

"Sorry."

* * *

"Uhhhh... Wha... What happened?" Naruto mumbled. His eyes widened as he shot up. "I MUST HAVE THEM ALL!"

He caught his breath and looked around. He was sitting in Anko's bed, a formally cold washcloth falling down into his lap. He blinked.

"Huh? What's... How...?"

"Well well, you are awake," Anko purred. Naruto looked up and saw his Anko-nee-chan entering the room, carrying a plate of snacks. He smiled.

"Anko-nee-chan! You saved me!" Naruto gasped. "... I think..." He frowned deeply, his eyes closed in thought. "I'm not really sure if I'm happy about that."

"Good, good," Anko said approvingly as she set down the plate on the nightstand next to him. "If you were totally sure about that, I'd have to smack you one."

Anko then proceeded to smack Naruto upside his head. The blonde yelped.

"Ow! Hey!"

"But I am smacking you upside the head for putting on a show for those shameless girls," Anko tutted, shaking her head. "You really should know better, Naru-chan!"

"I should?" Naruto asked. Anko smirked.

"Of course! You should know just how to deal with that sort of situation." Her smirk grew as she leaned over the bed. "And I'm going to train you properly~."

"Training? I don't know," Naruto hummed.

"Listen, I'm an awesome ninja, right?" Anko asked quite reasonably. Naruto nodded.

"Yeah! You totally are!"

"Damn right!" Anko said with a proud grin as she thumped her chest. "And you want to be even more awesome, right?"

"Right!" Naruto confirmed with a bright smile. Anko returned it.

"So, if you get trained by me in countering kunoichi, you might become almost as awesome as me!"

"Bah! I'll become way more awesome than you, Nee-chan!" Naruto declared. He grinned and stood up, posing dramatically. "Just teach me how, Anko-nee-chan!"

"Good!" Anko said approvingly. "But first, you're going to want to put some pants on." She smirked and raised an eyebrow. "Unless you like flashing girls with your-"

"ACK!" Naruto cried, trying to cover himself and falling off the bed. "OOF!"

Anko chuckled. "Still got it... Now just get ready Naru-chan."

"Ow, ow... What are you doing?" Naruto asked. Anko smirked as she turned and walked out.

"I'm just going to check on Gai-kun, of course~," she crooned. Naruto nodded.

"Okay! Have fun with that!" He turned to his dresser, and began to dress without a care in the world.

* * *

In the Konoha Hospital Complex, there is a room resumed for those cases that are absolutely terminal. Where only a miracle (or an editor accidentally ending up in the production booth) will save these poor souls from a meeting with the Shinigami. Where even Tsunade's greatest efforts will fail.

This... Is not the room the unfortunate victims of Sasuke's rampage were in, but they certainly felt like they belonged in that room.

"Argh," Kiba groaned. Akamaru snorted on his lap and barked a few rude things in dog. Kiba glared.

"Shut up! This is not my fault," he stated.

Akamaru sniffed and poked his nose into the air. "It totally is. If you'd just let the jerk get what was coming to him, he wouldn't have gone all Avenger on us."

"Avenger? He just kicked you!" Kiba said.

"Kicking a puppy is pretty extreme," Chouji commented, sitting in the hospital bed opposite Kiba.

"It is what we deserve," Shino said, sitting with his usual poise in his hospital bed.

"How is it what we deserve?" Neji demanded, sitting in another hospital bed with his usual scowl. Shino bowed his head, the lights shining ominously over his glasses.

"We prevented a comrade from getting laid," Shino said. "It is simply not the Konoha ninja way."

"... Yeah, I have to agree," Kiba sighed. Akamaru growled. Kiba glared. "Hey, what if I kept you from scoring with a hot bitch?"

The dog lowered his head as though conceding the point.

"NOOOO! GAI-SENSEIIII!" Sobbed Lee in the last hospital bed.

"Oh man, Lee's painkillers wore off," Chouji sighed.

"Ah, then I'm just in time," Tenten observed wryly from the door to the room. She walked in, dropping some earplugs into Neji's grateful hands. She walked over to the wailing Lee and handed him a bouquet of flowers. "Lee? You okay?"

"NO! I AM NOT, FRIEND TENTEN!" Lee cried, his tears gushing from his eyes comically. Tenten handed out an umbrella to a grateful Kiba.

"Where do you keep all that stuff, anyway?" Kiba asked. Tenten rolled her eyes and held up a storage scroll.

"Ninja," she said.

"I've got some stuff she can store, and I know just where I want to stuff it, heheheh," Akamaru barked happily. Tenten smiled and cuddled Akamaru to her chest.

"Aw! Such a sweetie!"

"Isn't he?" Kiba said dryly, giving his best friend a slightly reproachful look. Akamaru snorted.

"Hey, no cockblocking remember?."

"Sorry, sorry," Kiba sighed. "So, can you fix the noise now?" He asked as he jerked his thumb to the wailing Lee. Tenten sighed and patted Lee's hand.

"There there Lee..."

"I failed! I have failed Gai-sensei! He's still in Anko-san's nefarious clutches!"

"Lucky bastard," Shino said plainly. Lee wailed harder.

"And now Sasuke-san is going to fall to the same fate as Gai-sensei and Naruto-san!" Lee sobbed. "It's all my fault!"

"Well to be fair, there's plenty of fault to go around," Tenten said dryly as she gave the rest of the occupants a scowl.

"We didn't do anything!" Kiba countered.

"Which is exactly my point." Tenten replied. Akamaru snuggled deeper into her bosom, clearly uninterested in the rest of the conversation.

Neji tilted his head to one side as though about to reply... until everyone realized that he'd put the earplugs in already and had missed what had been said.

Shino asked in a level tone, "What would you have had us do?"

"Oh I don't know... Save them?" Tenten asked. "As if Naruto and Sasuke weren't screwed up enough..."

"Lee's intervention actually prevented Sasuke from getting sufficiently screwed. Hence our current condition." Shino responded.

"Was... that a joke?" Tenten stared.

Kiba snickered.

"Sasuke I understand," Chouji began, as he tossed Lee another box of tissues to sob into. "But Naruto?"

"He's a ninja who wears safety orange," Tenten said. "Clearly he's got issues..." She looked over at the sobbing Lee, and then back at Neji who was brooding. "And he's in good company."

"Sure you don't want to become a ninja psychologist?" Kiba asked. "I mean, that was really insightful!"

"Already in my plan," Tenten said with a wave of her hand. "I'll just use the data I've collected in private sessions to publish a book series, become rich, and retire to some tropical island."

"That is incredibly deceitful and cynical," Shino observed. Tenten smirked.

"Ninja."

"I was complimenting you," Shino said, still in his usual monotone. Tenten raised an eyebrow, and looked over at Kiba. The Inuzuka boy grinned.

"It's a subtle art to tell when he's doing that," he said. Tenten nodded.

"I see..."

"Anyway, nothing we can do about it now," Chouji sighed. He saluted. "Godspeed, Naruto, you lucky bastard!"

"You lucky bastard," Shino and Kiba agreed. Neji was relaxing, enjoying the silence his earplugs afforded. Lee cried harder. Tenten sighed and shook her head.

"You honestly are just going to abandon them? I mean, Gai-sensei's a consenting adult! But Naruto and Sasuke are entirely too innocent for whatever it is Anko is going to put them through."

Chouji, Kiba and even Shino all sighed wistfully at that.

"And what's this about Anko, Sasuke, Naruto and Gai?" Asked a commanding voice at the door to the room. Tenten gulped, and slowly turned around. Even Lee stopped his blubbering long enough to look up in horror, and Akamaru whimpered.

For at the entrance to the hospital room stood the Fifth Hokage of Konoha, Tsunade herself. With her assistant Shizune gaping in shock behind her.

"... I'm not here," Neji said, putting his pillow over his face.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Naruto: An Intervention**_

_**Andrew J. Talon**_

_**DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. Naruto is the property of Shueisha, Viz Media and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.**_

* * *

At Sakura's home, the "Save Naruto Seduction Team" was commiserating over their failure. Sakura sat on her bed with her legs crossed, scribbling down some notes, while Ino sat on Sakura's desk with a grimace. Hinata contented herself by hugging almost all of the stuffed animals to while sitting on the floor.

"Clearly we need to better plan our seduction and certain members of our team, who I will not mention, need to stop being fucking prudes," Ino broke the silence. Sakura nodded and looked over at Hinata.

"Yes... Hinata."

"I was talking about you!" Ino said in exasperation. Hinata nodded, her Byakugan flaring slightly.

"Yes."

"What? How is this my fault?" Sakura demanded. "I couldn't have known that Anko would have intervened! The boys were supposed to keep her distracted!"

"Yes, but you took so long that we never even got around to seducing Naruto," Ino pointed out, brushing off some leaves that had become stuck to her frilly dress.

"Well he wasn't cooperating!" Sakura said. "What, did you just want to force yourselves on him?"

"M-Maybe he wouldn't have minded?" Hinata suggested. At Sakura's strange look, Hinata squeaked and held a bunny rabbit up in front of her face.

**_I like the way she thinks,_** Inner Sakura contributed.

_Gee, what a surprise,_ Sakura thought back.

"Well we are a _seduction_ team!" Ino growled. "Maybe we should have tried, ya know, seducing him!"

"And then been caught by Anko in the middle of... Of that? I don't think so," Sakura said with a shudder. "Just imagine what she'd have done to us then!" She then glared and punched herself in the head. Ino blinked.

"Uh, Sakura-?"

"I'm fine," the pink haired girl growled. Ino slowly nodded.

"Right, right..."

"Sakura is right," Hinata said firmly, squeezing her stuffed bunny around the neck. "Anko-sensei is the one who interrupted us. Who interfered with our saving Naruto-kun." Her eyes narrowed and the bunny squeaked as Hinata's hands threatened to crush the poor toy. "We must take her down."

Ino rose and walked over to Hinata's side. She knelt down and carefully extracted the bunny toy from the Hyuuga princess's hands.

"Now now Hinata... Let's stay focused. We're no match for Anko, she'd kill us," Ino consoled Hinata. The Hyuuga girl looked Ino in the eyes. The blonde smiled at her and rested her hands on Hinata's shoulders. "What we need to do is save Naruto, that's thing one!"

Hinata smiled back warmly at Ino. "You're right Ino... I almost lost sight of our true goal..." She sniffled and clasped hands with Ino. "You're like the sister I never had! Thank you!"

"Don't worry Hinata, I'm here!" Ino said with a bright smile, "and together darling, we'll save Naruto and have him back for our own!"

"Oh Ino!" Hinata cried with a happy laugh. The two girls hugged, giggling. Sakura promptly facepalmed.

"Seriously... Why are you so gung ho about.." As Sakura raised her eyes, she saw that Hinata had pulled out Naruto's torn boxers. The pale girl held the clothing up to her nose, breathed deeply, and sighed with a blissful smile. "HEY!" She grabbed the boxers and yanked them out of Hinata's grasp. "Don't do that! It's weird!"

"Yes Hinata, it is a bit weird," Ino said. Hinata glared.

"What about Naruto-kun's shirt you've got stuffed in your dress?" She accused. Ino blushed brightly and cleared her throat. She looked to the side with a haughty expression.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about-"

"Ino, I can see it," Sakura said flatly, stooping down to yank the shirt out from Ino's dress. The blonde whined.

"Oh come on!"

"You two do realize you're getting like this over Naruto, right?" Sakura asked flatly.

"Is this any weirder than what you get up to over Sasuke and Itachi?" Ino replied, as Hinata nodded her head. Sakura turned bright red.

"Th-That's for professional purposes only!" Sakura growled. "That they're hot just means I have a bonus! Now let's focus! We need to come up with an improved plan."

"Well, you are the brains of the outfit... Supposedly," Ino said wryly. "What's your plan?"

The two girls looked expectantly at Sakura. The pink haired girl coughed, and rubbed the back of her head.

"Well... It's simple! We just need to get to Naruto when he's out of Anko's clutches!" Sakura said with a smile. "In hindsight, just assaulting Anko's home was kind of impulsive of me..."

"In fairness, Lee insisted on saving Gai-sensei," Ino said. "So don't feel too bad about it."

"Live and learn," Hinata said. "I know all the secret ways into Naruto's apartment complex, and I can track him easily..." At Sakura's look she pouted. "D-Don't judge me!"

"Fine," Sakura said with a sigh. "Let's rest and regroup and try again tomorrow. And if this fails, I can put together some contingency plans."

"Like what?" Ino asked.

"Well, we could always put together a C-Rank mission to get Naruto out of Konoha for a while," Sakura said with a grin and a wink.

"Right, because _that_ never turns out badly," Ino said dryly.

* * *

Jiraiya, the Toad Sage of Konoha and author of one of the best book series ever (If he did say so himself-and he did) was compiling his notes from the day's excursions and giggling over them all. He had especially loved the bit where Mitarashi had intervened. Sure, it wasn't as smutty as he had been hoping for, but he could chalk that up to Naruto's inexperience. And his stubbornness.

"Honestly, that kid is such a prude it would be an embarrassment to his father," Jiraiya muttered, adding a few sketches of the scene to the journal. "I swear, I need to do something about that soon otherwise this is just going to-"

"Going to what?" Asked a harsh, female voice next to him. Jiraiya slowly looked to his left, and saw Tsunade herself standing next to him with a deep glower on her face. Jiraiya coughed.

"Oh! Tsunade-chan! What brings you here?" He asked with a pleasant smile on his face. Tsunade's scowl deepened.

"This is my office," she growled. Jiraiya looked about the Hokage's office, in faux surprise.

"Huh! Really? Kind of missed that," he said. Tsunade grabbed him by the collar. Jiraiya coughed and gave her his best smile. He swore, his teeth pinged and everything.

"Now Tsunade-chan, you know the last place anyone would expect to find me is in the Hokage's office, sitting behind her desk," Jiraiya said pleasantly. "You know its never been the job for me."

"I'm aware of that," Tsunade growled, "and I'd actually be happy if you had decided to take the job instead of me."

Jiraiya's smile became more genuine. He raised his eyebrows. "Oh? I don't think so, Tsunade-chan. Whatever would Naruto say about that, hm?"

Tsunade blushed slightly, but she restrained herself from killing him. After all, she still needed some answers.

Then she could kill him.

"Jiraiya, what the hell is going on between Anko and Naruto?" Tsunade demanded. "I had a whole room filled with first rate genin injured because of stupidity involving those two and I want to know why."

"Well," Jiraiya said, "it seems to be a bit complicated-"

"Is my Naruto in a sadomasochistic relationship with Orochimaru's former apprentice or not?" Tsunade snarled, lifting Jiraiya right out of the chair. Jiraiya coughed.

"You're rather possessive of a boy several decades your junior. I had no idea your tastes leaned in that direction, Tsunade-chan-"

He really did deserve getting his face slammed into the desk, but the expression on Tsunade's face was worth it.

"Ow," he commented. "You know, that damn desk is practically indestructible."

"We could test it and find out how indestructible it is with your face," Tsunade growled.

"All right all right!" Jiraiya said quickly. "The thing is, Anko and Naruto are doing..." He paused for dramatic effect, and to watch Tsunade's eyebrow twitch, "nothing."

Tsunade's eyes widened. "Nothing?!"

"Well nothing inappropriate," Jiraiya lied with a genteel grin. "Just think about it, Tsunade-chan! They're both village outcasts, both had their lives ruined... They're reaching out to one another! Its a friendship!"

"So she isn't turning Naruto into her good little sex slave?" Tsunade asked dangerously. Jiraiya shook his head.

"Of course not! ... But you have to admit, watching everyone else think that's the case is pretty damn hilarious."

Tsunade actually looked quite relieved. She hadn't put Jiraiya down though, so he wasn't out of the woods yet.

"Well... Maybe..." She looked aside. "Just a bit..."

"Tsunade-chan, you've been stressed out lately," Jiraiya said sympathetically. "Why not let go a bit, and have some fun?"

"'Fun' involving Naruto often ends with explosions," Tsunade pointed out.

"Were we any different at his age?" Jiraiya said gently. The blonde hokage slowly put Jiraiya down. She sighed and turned to look out a nearby window as Jiraiya brushed his clothes off out of habit.

"I suppose not," she said. She glared at him. "That seduction team gambit though... Really?"

"Hey, they've got to learn sometime," Jiraiya said. "Let's be honest: They need to expand their ninja skills... And loosen up a little. The Hyuuga heiress in particular, sheesh."

Tsunade nodded. "Agreed..." She hummed. "I suppose... If there were certain... Safeguards in place... And your word that you wouldn't let it escalate into a village destroying rampage..."

"Can't keep my word for that, babe," Jiraiya said. Tsunade smirked a bit.

"You would for me."

"Oh now that is _low_," Jiraiya huffed. "But...! All right. In return though," and here Jiraiya's eyes twinkled, "I need something from you."

Tsunade frowned. "What?"

* * *

Shizune, the apprentice of Tsunade herself, entered the office of Konoha's own Hokage with a bit of trepidation. Tsunade sat behind her desk, fingers steepled in front of her face. Jiraiya stood at her side, looking grave.

"Tsunade-sama, Jiraiya-sama," she said respectfully, "what can I do for you?"

"Shizune, I'm giving you an A-Rank mission of the utmost importance," Tsunade said gravely. "It concerns Naruto, and his very future. If you fail, it might mean the end of him."

Shizune stood up straighter, and narrowed her eyes in determination.

"You can count on me, Tsunade-sama!" She swore.

"Good, I knew I could," Tsunade said with a hint of warmth. Shizune returned it to her beloved mentor. "Now I don't give you this mission lightly, Shizune, but frankly it is the only way to help Naruto. You are the only one I can trust with this task."

"Of course, Tsunade-sama," Shizune said. "What is it?"

"I need you to take Naruto's virginity," Tsunade said gravely. Shizune nodded.

"Of course Tsunade-sama!"

Five, four, three, two- Jiraiya counted down, but Shizune's eyes bugged out and her jaw dropped before he got to one.

"EHHHHH?!"

* * *

Later that night, Naruto got to his bed and snuggled down into his covers. He drifted off to sleep... And in his dreams he found himself in a familiar sewer, before an equally familiar giant gate with an unfortunately familiar giant fox monster glaring at him.

"What the-?" Naruto tried, but the Kyuubi interrupted him with a low rumble.

**"BRAT... YOU DISAPPOINT ME."**

Well that wasn't exactly hard to do, being that Naruto was a human and Kyuubi was a horrible, evil chakra-based demon. Naruto even said as much.

**"THAT IS NOT WHAT I REFER TO," **the Kyuubi stated.

"Huh?" Naruto eloquently expressed in confusion. Kyuubi snorted, his breath curling up to the ceiling like smoke.

**"THREE! THREE FINE VIXENS AND YOU DIDN'T TAKE A ONE OF THEM! What is WRONG with you?!"**

"Eh?!" Naruto cried in disbelief. "Wha-YOU WERE SPYING ON ME?!"

**"I see what you see, brat. It's boring in here," ** Kyuubi said flatly. **"I have no other sources of entertainment aside from your memories!"**

Well, that was intensely disturbing but Naruto decided to focus on one problem at a time.

"Well-Well-What do you mean, what's wrong with me?! It wouldn't be right to bang them!" Naruto paused, his cheeks turning red. "I mean... All at the same time... Together... Uhhh..." He was red as a tomato, but he managed to shake his head clear of the pleasant thoughts. "But it'd still be _wrong_...!"

**"See? It's crap like this that makes me worry about you, brat,"** Kyuubi stated in a tone of voice that nearly qualified as concerned. Naruto decided, as with so many other things, to not think too hard about that. **"So in my infinite wisdom, I shall give you useful advice on your predicament. Starting with the simplest solution: Bang them!"**

"But-But I can't bang them! I mean... Um... I like Sakura but the other two... I-I don't like them like that!" Naruto emphasized.

The Kyuubi laughed.

**"Oh? You were paying attention to those two reeeeeeal close. You know... the ones who wanted your clothes off. The ones you actually LIKE the attention of!"**

"LIAR! I like Sakura just fine! She's freaking crazy! That's attractive!" Naruto said, shaking his fist. The Kyuubi was silent for a time, then...

**"... are you listening to yourself?"**

Naruto scowled and rallied to defend himself.

"Well, I'm just a bit overwhelmed! Three girls wanting me to bang them all at once...? How am I supposed to react?! Literally nothing like that has ever happened to me! Ever!" He shook his head. "What would you have done, huh?!"

**"Make shadow clones and make sure they don't outnumber me!"** The Kyuubi immediately stated.

"THAT'S NOT HELPING! Don't you have any useful advice?!" Naruto shouted back.

**"Cuddles. They always respond well to that afterwards."**

"After-DAMNIT!" Naruto cursed. He shook his fist at his tenant. "Do you have anything that doesn't involve me banging them?"

Once again the Kyuubi was silent and staring in disbelief at Naruto.

**"... Seriously, you're saying words, and I can understand them by themselves, but that combination makes no sense..."**

"ARGH!" Naruto shouted, fed up. "Asshole!"

**"Just suck it up, brat. At least give me a thrill,"** the Kyuubi said, almost pleading.

"... You can see what I see," and Naruto's eyes widened in realization. "THAT's why you want me to bang them. Y-y-you PERV!"

**"Oi! I have sired many a kit in my time!" **The Kyuubi growled. **"And while sealed inside humans I've been privileged to see all the finest perversions of your kind! And now I'm trapped inside the most hard headed virgin idiot ever! Think of how much I'm suffering!"**

"You're not going to turn my first time into some tawdry sex show for yourself!" Naruto shouted with a snarl.

**"It is perfectly natural to want to procreate! In fact..."** And here the Kyuubi's voice took on the tone of one sharing secrets, **"Jiraiya got so powerful because of how many females he banged! As did... Your father!"**

"... Wait, what?!" Naruto asked in disbelief.

**"Oh yes... They didn't tell you about your father, did they?"** Kyuubi taunted. Some gears turned in Naruto's head, and unlike when he was in the real world they came to a proper and obvious conclusion. As obvious as the Yondaime's face on the Hokage monument.

"They told me enough! They told me... YOU killed him!" Naruto accused the Kyuubi. The Kyuubi chuckled darkly.

**"No... I am your father!"**

Naruto stared in shock for the longest time... Before his face broke from sheer incredulity.

"... nope. Not buying it," he said.

**"Oh come on!"** Kyuubi raged. **"I haven't been able to use that joke in thousands of years and you totally blow it!" **

"Seriously. No freaking way."

"Fine, fine! I'm not your father," the Kyuubi pronounced. The massive fox shrunk down, and walked out of the shadows. Now in the form of a beautiful, scantily clad (and very well endowed) kitsune woman, she smirked at him.

**"I'm your MOTHER!"**

Naruto responded to that by burying his face in his palms. When he lowered his hands, the Kyuubi had returned to its far less disturbing form of a giant hellbeast.

**"All right all right... But I was sealed in your mother before I was sealed in you. And your grandma. And your great grandma... And so on and so forth. Hoo boy, the things that woman would get up to!"** The Kyuubi actually chortled and Naruto swore kittens were probably dying somewhere in Konoha right now.

"... wait, you were sealed in all women in my family?" He asked.

**"Yep. Well a guy or two. They didn't amount to much. Your sexy jutsu has a bit of my influence involved."**

Naruto facepalmed again. "I think we're done here..."

**"Now look brat: I shall make a deal with you. Listening?" **The Kyuubi stated. Naruto weighed his options, sighed, and nodded.

"Yes," he said in resignation.

**"You will put the counter kunoichi lessons the sexy older female who smells of snakes gave to good use. And you will mate with at least one of those females..."** And here the Kyuubi grinned. **"Or else."**

"Or else what?" Naruto asked in challenge.

**"Or else I will tell you, in detail, what your parents got up to the night they conceived your hairless ass. And fill your dreams with them."**

Naruto's jaw dropped and his tanned skin turned the color of paper. He'd never known his parents, and true, he did want to know who they were but to know them _like that..._

_I'm finding Jiraiya first thing in the morning to deal with this!_ He thought urgently. Out loud to the Kyuubi, he said:

"They'll be banged so hard their moms will feel it!" He said with his customary bravado.

**"Good on you, brat!"** The Kyuubi shouted. **"Now get out!"**

"Get out?! THIS IS MY BODY!" Naruto shouted back angrily.

**"And the accommodations are abysmal..."** The Kyuubi growled.

"Well what do you expect me to do about it?!" Naruto demanded.

**"This is your mind, is it not? Use it for something useful!"** Kyuubi demanded. "**Put me in a place of comfort!"**

"Place of comfort, huh?" Naruto said, rubbing his chin. "Hmmm..." He brightened. "How's this?"

The Kyuubi found himself on a bridge in Konoha. The sun shone down upon him as Sasuke leaned against the bridge railing with a pout on his face, Sakura talked on about nothing, Kakashi read his perverted book, Hinata stuttered and smiled at him, and the rest of the people Naruto had befriended were clustered around comfortable, happy, and smiling...

And the Kyuubi shuddered.

**"Back to the sewer, please."**

"God, fine!" Naruto shouted angrily.

* * *

_No, this story ain't dead and neither am I! So stay tuned for more!_


	5. Chapter 5

**An Intervention**

**Andrew J. Talon and The Ero-Sennin**

**DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. Naruto is the property of Shueisha, Viz Media and Masashi Kishimoto. Please support the official release.**

* * *

The next morning, a silent Team 7 met at their usual meeting place: The bridge in the center of Training Ground 42. Naruto was blushing heavily and avoiding everyone's gaze, Sasuke was looking down at the ground with a scowl, and Sakura was looking up at the sky and humming her happy denial song.

_Damn this is awkward,_ was the same thought on everyone's mind.

_Just stick to the plan, it will work,_ Sakura thought.

_Right, right, focus on the plan, _Naruto thought as well.

_Avenger's log: So far all going according to plan, _Sasuke thought. _Will wait for right moment to strike. In meantime..._

"So," Sasuke said.

"So..." Naruto answered. Sakura coughed. Sasuke grunted.

"So..." Sakura tried.

"... Hn," Sasuke eloquently put.

_Great,_ Naruto thought flatly. _How am I supposed to do anything with all this awkwardness? I mean if even I can pick up on it..._

"... Kakashi-sensei is late again," Sakura managed.

"Yep," Naruto agreed. "Sure is."

"Hn," Sasuke concurred.

Naruto decided, screw it. He had to get things back to normal somehow if his plan was going to work, and this was kind of his fault, so...

_"SEXY JUTSU!"_ Naruto cried, poofing into his babelicious female form and glomping onto Sasuke. The Uchiha heir's eyes widened as Sakura's jaw dropped.

"NARUTO!" Sakura shrieked. Naruko grinned over at Sakura.

"What? I'm not doing anything Anko-nee-chan wouldn't!" He defended himself. He felt Sasuke go limp, and looked back at his best male friend. "Er... Sasuke?"

Sasuke had passed out, suffering from a severe nosebleed. He was also smiling.

"... Ew," Naruto muttered, letting Sasuke drop to the bridge as Sakura continued to scream at him. Maybe this wasn't the best idea.

Inside his head, Libido Naruto just smirked and smoked his cigar.

Kakashi walked up to the bridge, checking his watch. He smiled in approval behind his mask. Yep, his students had actually made it worth it for him to show up early.

Well, for him.

This day was just looking better and better...

Tsunade sighed as she leaned back in her chair. She looked between the gathered ninjas, and then over at Jiraiya in the back of the office. The old pervert gave her a thumbs up. She schooled her features so she would look utterly serious. Team 7, 8 and 10 were all gathered. Team Gai was out, as their participation wasn't that critical.

Besides, Gai was probably having to deal with a crying Lee and she didn't have nearly enough booze to handle that right now.

"So, Granny, what have you got for us this time?" Naruto asked, arms behind his head. He looked rather eager.

"You have been asked to do some bandit clearing in the nearby mountains," Tsunade said. "Shouldn't be too difficult. However, extensive recon on the surrounding area is vital. The bandits may have the support of a few missing nin. Therefore, I am assigning a specialized team for this operation."

"What sort of specialized team?" Sakura asked.

"Naruto, you will be the leader of team alpha," Tsunade stated seriously. "You will choose teammates who will be effective for scouting."

"Well I-" Naruto began, before he felt bodies pressing against him from either side. He looked back and forth, seeing a grinning Ino and a blushing Hinata.

"We're all yours, team leader~," Ino said happily.

"Y-Yes," Hinata said.

"Ah...?" Naruto tried.

_Why the hell am I so disappointed?_ Sakura thought to herself as she eyed them with envy.

_Truly, Anko has taught him well... Godspeed, Naruto,_ Shino thought.

_Avenger's log: Will have to tread extra carefully. On the other hand, Naruto is attracting former annoying fangirls. Might be useful,_ thought Sasuke.

"Shino, you will command team B," Tsunade said. "Your primary objective will be to scout missing nin positions."

"I will take Sasuke Uchiha and Sakura Haruno," Shino said.

"And Shikamaru, you will command team c," Tsunade said. Shikamaru shrugged.

"I suppose I do get the least... Distracted members of this group," he said.

"And Shizune is going along as medic," Tsunade said. "She will also be evaluating you all for skills in leadership. Don't mess this up."

"Right, Granny!" Naruto said cheerfully, trying to give the V-sign... But unfortunately, his hand was being held by Ino. "Ah... Ino... I need my arm..."

"Do you?" Ino asked with a smile.

After the ninjas filed out, Jiraiya sighed and shook his head.

"Well that's just not going to be any fun at all, Tsunade-chan," he said dryly. "A normal mission out of the village?"

"How is this not fun? I'm sending those pinheads out into an area where they will be responsible and with all that awkwardness from before! Not to mention Shizune will be along," Tsunade said defensively. "It's a great idea!"

"Yeah, but it seems like a bit of a strange detour to take in our plans," Jiraiya observed. "How am I supposed to write a good book out of this?"

Tsunade threw her hands up in the air.

"Well you _wanted_ Naruto and Shizune to be isolated! What more do you want, Akatsuki involved?!"

* * *

Itachi hummed thoughtfully as he inspected the map. Kisame looked over his shoulder.

"Hey... Are you sure those missing nin bases are in this area?"

"I did grow up around here. Of course I know," Itachi said frankly. "Besides, we might get to see Sasuke again. I've heard he has a crush..." He rolled up the map. "Maybe I can meet her, welcome her to the family."

"... You mean seduce her and then taunt your brother about the fact you've done it?"

"... Maybe."

"You're getting kind of predictable, Itachi."

"Nonsense. I can just-"

"Tsukiyomi them into thinking it's an entirely new move by you, thus preserving your badass mystique?"

"..."

"... Shut up."

* * *

_Elsewhere..._

"GAI-SENSEIIIII!" Lee wailed, hugging his beloved mentor with all the might an unnaturally strong teenaged boy could muster. Gai burst into manly tears and hugged his beloved student back.

"LEEEEE!"

"GAI-SENSEIIII!"

"LEEEEE!"

"I HAVE NO IDEA WHY WE ARE CRYING AND EMBRACING!" Gai cried.

Tenten facepalmed. "I thought I'd be used to this by now..."

"This you have a problem with. The sex ed, you don't," Neji stated in total disbelief. Tenten looked over at Neji and grinned.

"Well... You _do_ make for a very cute girl, Neji-chan~," she teased. "That Sexy Jutsu does wonders for you!"

Neji turned bright red and shuddered. "D-Don't remind me!" He hissed.

Tenten just shrugged smugly, as Lee ceased his blubbering long enough to get out some words.

"I-I TRIED TO SAVE YOU FROM ANKO-SENSEI'S CLUTCHES, BUT I FAILLLLED!"

Gai immediately stopped crying, and backhanded Lee into a tree. The bowl cut wearing boy bounced off the tree and slammed facefirst into the dirt.

"FOOL!" Gai shouted. "HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ALL I HAVE TAUGHT YOU?"

"O-Ow," Lee mumbled. He looked up, shocked and betrayed. "Gai-sensei... Why...?"

Gai smiled, and held out a hand to his beloved student. Lee took it, and was pulled up onto his feet. "A man will consort with a woman for many things, Lee. Sometimes the woman is indeed abusing the man... But a man needs challeges! A man needs pain, and strife, to appreciate the glorious explosion of youth that is a good relationship with a friend you have carnal relations with at times!"

"So..." Lee brightened. "You mean... I _won't_ have to call Anko-sensei my surrogate mother, as I call you my surrogate father?"

"_That's_ what he's been so worried about?" Tenten muttered in disbelief. Neji frowned.

"Well... Imagine if she started showing up at Gai-sensei's house in the mornings... Or greeted us when we came in for dinner."

Tenten had a sudden mental image of Anko in a frilly apron, greeting them with warm smiles... Gai-sensei with a pipe and a laugh...

"... That doesn't sound too bad, actually," Tenten mused.

"What is _wrong_ with you?" Neji groaned.

"No!" Gai pronounced, swinging his arm about in a wide arc. "Anko and I are merely friends! You might think of her as an aunt... Except it would be weird and deeply disturbing! Neji could call Anko his aunt if he'd like since the Hyuuga are used to that sort of thing-"

"WE ARE NOT!" Neji shouted, fists clenched as his eyes twitched in strain. "WE'RE NOT INTO INCEST, I SWEAR!"

"Shame, you and Hinata would be rather hot," Tenten mused. Neji gaped.

"WHAT?!"

"As stimulating a mental image that is, Tenten, it is not in keeping with the kind of youthful fires I would like you to tend and kindle!" Gai boomed. He rubbed his chin. "However, were Neji to be a girl, and his cousin Hinata to be a girl, the _youthful_ stimulation levels rise exponentially."

Neji was even paler than usual as he twitched all over. Tenten looked into the air, contemplating the imagery.

"... Hot," she pronounced.

"Oh, Gai-sensei, must you continue to confuse me?" Lee whined. "I thought Neji was a girl when we first met, this isn't helping!"

"I hate you all," Neji mumbled. Gai laughed and clapped Lee on the back.

"So have no fear, Lee! I am in no danger from Anko-san!"

"Er... But Gai-sensei," Lee said, "what about Naruto and Anko-sensei? Is that... Normal?"

Gai blinked a few times. "Why exactly would it not be?"

His team stared up at him. Tenten then shrugged.

"Well, if Gai-sensei says it's all right, it's all right," she said. Lee sniffled.

"Gai-Sensei... I... I don't understand... But I must trust that you are right in this instance!" He hugged his mentor. "GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

Neji threw up his hands. "That _does_ it! I'm fixing Naruto _right now!"_ He turned and stormed off. Tenten grinned.

"Not sure that'll help, Neji-chan~!"

"THAT PUN IS STUPID AND SO ARE YOU!" Neji shouted back angrily.

* * *

Hinata's room in the Hyuuga compound was a study in contrasts. On one hand, the sheets were fluffy and a cuddly rabbit plushy was sitting on her bed with a broad smile. The tones were warm and cheerful, with heirlooms from beloved family members made of brightly painted wood.

And on the other hand...

"Ah! There we go," Hinata said happily, carrying a box over to the bed. She dumped the supplies out, sorting her kunai, ninja wire, and shuriken. "Hnnn... Which one is better," she mumbled as she held up two kinds of wire. "This brand, or the other?"

She frowned. "This brand says it holds fast... The other says it holds no matter what... This one was on sale... This one wasn't..." She smiled at the one in orange. "Mmm... I like this color though... So much... It reminds me of... Of...!"

"Hinata."

"EEP!" Hinata cried, jumping slightly. She turned around and looked at her father. "Ah... Father! H-Hello!" She hid the orange packaged ninja wire behind her with a nervous smile. Hiashi Hyuuga nodded.

"Mm... Packing for your mission, I see," he said.

"Yes father," Hinata said quickly. She shoved both wire rounds onto the scroll, and with a quick application of chakra sealed her weapons into the paper. She rolled it up and tucked it into her pack. Hiashi walked around to the far side of her bed, staring at the orange painting on her wall.

"Not another seduction mission, is it?" He asked. Hinata blushed furiously, and held her hands up.

"Ah?! What?! What do you, I-I mean, I don't know what you-!"

"Trying to rescue the Uzumaki boy from Mitarashi's clutches, correct?" Hiashi asked, still staring at the wall. Hinata coughed, and looked down. She tapped her fingers together.

"I... Well... Y-Yes..."

Hiashi nodded. "And you will do this while stuttering and looking nervous?"

"Ahhh... Well..." Hinata said, "it... It is kind of what I do..."

Hiashi looked at his daughter sternly, and she wilted. "Have you ever asked yourself _why_ Uzumaki prefers the pink haired girl over you?"

"... A few times," Hinata admitted. "I-I guess... She's not that... Weird."

"Yes. That, and she strives to take what she wants," Hiashi said. "She moves forward, never hesitating. You must find the same fire, Hinata, and conquer Uzumaki yourself!"

"C-Conquer?" Hinata asked with an even brighter blush. Hiashi nodded solemnly.

"You know... Once, I was much like Uzumaki," he admitted. Hinata gaped.

"R-Really?!"

"Yes... I was reckless, stupid, poorly dressed," Hiashi recited. Hinata blinked. "Ignored your mother no matter how often she 'accidentally' ran into me in the shower... The hot springs..."

Hinata's jaw dropped and immediately wished her imagination was not so _vivid._

"The bathroom... The kitchen wearing nothing but whipped cream..." Hiashi was looking out into space with somewhat glazed eyes.

"I-I think I get it, father," Hinata said quickly. Hiashi coughed, and regained his composure.

"Yes... You see, like Uzumaki, I was... A spirit focused entirely on the now," Hiashi explained. "Yes I had dreams, _great_ dreams, and I worked hard to achieve them. But I did not think of _building_ the future. Of building a home, a life with a wife and family. A powerful household. I wanted to establish _myself."_

"So... What did you do?" Hinata asked. Hiashi smirked.

"It was not what I did... It was what your mother did. She entered my life as though she'd always been there. Made decisions for me, and invited me to challenge her. She proved me wrong many times... More times than I would like to admit. I proved her wrong several times myself. We gave, and we took... But she had to make the first move. Had to shake me out of my..."

"... Stupidity?" Hinata asked.

"I thought you _liked_ the boy."

Hinata's face resembled a sunset. "I... Well... Yes... But he can be a bit... Stupid."

"Yes... The right _kind_ of stupid in some ways," Hiashi admitted. "However! If you are going to get him out of the clutches of that Mitarashi woman... You must make him think of a future. A future ruled by your mighty feminine will." Hiashi's eyes narrowed and his gaze hardened. "You must be... An _Ojou-sama!"_

"... A princess? I... I thought I already kind of was," Hinata said. Hiashi sighed.

"It is true, you are very princess like. I... Damnit, out! Out!" Hiashi pointed at the window. A few deer, mice, birds, bats and other assorted cute animals were gathered at the window sill. He walked over and shooed them away. "I've told you before, you can follow her around _outside!"_

"I'm sorry Father, I don't know why that keeps happening," Hinata admitted.

"Have you engaged in any musical numbers?" Hiashi asked sternly. The Hyuuga heiress looked aside.

"... Not... Recently...?"

"Well, you cannot just be a princess of gentleness and beauty," Hiashi said. "You must be one of strength, determination, and power! _Make_ him recognize you as a strong kunoichi, with a future to build with, and he will not waste his time any longer with Mitarashi!"

"But... But how do I do that?" Hinata asked. Hiashi sighed, and pinched his forehead. He then reached into his robes, and pulled out a box.

"I was going to save this for your wedding night, but! I suppose the time has come," he said. He handed it to Hinata. "Here you are, Hinata. This was your mother's. Make her _proud._ Make _me_ proud," he said.

Hinata blinked, and opened the box. Her eyes widened, and she reached in. She pulled out a fine coil of scented ninja rope, an elegant fan... And a riding crop?

"Ah... Father? What am I supposed to-?"

Her father was gone. Hinata blinked, and blushed...

And with a determined expression, pushed the box into her pack and slung it over her shoulders. She had a mission to complete!

* * *

_Naruto just keeps pulling me back in like a relentless ex-girlfriend. Ah well, let's see how long this lasts._


End file.
